[macca9540]

A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.
A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.
A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.
A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.
The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.

[macca9540]

A biker has been on the road for a weeks, without female companionship, and decides to get rid of the frustration.

At the next town, after finding out the location of the local bordello, he heads straight to it.

He kicks the door in, yelling "I want a woman, and I want one now!!"

The Madame recognizes his urgency, and ushers him into the main room where her best lady is.

The hooker is very impressed with what she sees as this big hunk starts stripping, exposing rippling muscles & tattoos, and eagerly waits to see the size of the love muscle.

Her shock could not be hidden, when the smallest Willy that she had ever seen was displayed. With contempt, she sneered at him, "and who the hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with that ?"

The biker just gave her a knowing smile, and replied.. "ME"

[macca9540]

A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."

[macca9540]

Dapper Dan had a sweet custom pan, that had of all things, an external leak. When ever it rained Dan would have to spread a thin layer of Vaseline on the valve covers to protect them from the rain, so he always carried a large jar of Vaseline in his coat.

As Dan picked up his ol lady to finally go for a dinner at her parents house, she explained the dinner rules. My folks are a little strange, but while we are eating dinner, please do not talk. My parents have been doing this for years and the one who talks first does the dishes.

Not a problem, he didn't want to do no f***ing dishes.

When they walked into the parents house he could see dishes everywhere, stacked in the kitchen, on the floor, on the counters, in the sink and the same in the front room.

After 5 minutes into dinner Dan started to get bored. He's sitting at the dinner table with his ol lady and her parents and no body was saying a word.

Dan thought, ****, the broad ain't worth all that, so with out saying a word he got up grabbed his ol lady jerked down her levis and f***ed her on the dinner table. Not a word was said.

As the mother brought out desert, Dan thought I'll make you assholes talk and grabbed the mother, hiked up her dress, bent her over the dinning room table and f***ed her. Again not a word was said.

As the mother was pulling her dress down, Dan noticed it had started to rain and ran for his jacket. He pulled out the large jar of Vaseline for his pan. Seeing this new move, the dad jumped up and said, "Alright damn it! I'll do the dishes!"

[macca9540]

The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.

[macca9540]

Dave works hard at the plant & spends most of his evenings riding his scoot with the boys. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them & says "Hey Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh No," says Dave. "He works at the plant."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable & says, "you must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser. "No honey, she works at the plant, too."
A stripper comes over to their table & throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says. "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.
Dave follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her & she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head & says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[macca9540]

Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

[macca9540]

Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."

[macca9540]

"I was riding my Honda when I saw a sign by the road that said [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $ 50.], I thought, nahh must be a joke.
A little further, there was another sign, [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow signs & get screwed for only $50]. Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit & followed the signs. Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes. I went up & knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.
I said, "um, I saw the signs by the road." "Oh" she smiled, "Come on in." So I did, then she said, "You want to go down that hall on the right & then knock on the second door", so I did, (knock).
A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, & smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50 in the jar on the dresser & go through that door at the end of the room, & wait a sec" She winks, & points to the door, & then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a nice ass.
I put my money in the jar, & went out the door. To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot. I thought this must be a mistake, & turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "YOU've just been screwed for $50 by the Sisters of St. Mary's, Sinner"

[macca9540]

There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.

[macca9540]

A biker walks into a convenience at about 2:30 in the morning. He walks up to the cashier and asks "Where are your tampons?" The clerk goes, "Right down on aisle three, on the end to the left." Biker disappears down the aisle and finally, about 45 min. later he returns carrying toilet paper and cotton balls. The cashier starts to ring him up and goes, "You know, I know it's none of my business, but I thought you were here for tampons." Biker goes, "Well, last week I sent my ol' lady out for smokes and she comes back with ziz zags and tobacco, by God that f***ing bitch can roll her own too."

[macca9540]

Two bikers rode into a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up, because they
heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchased a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

"If you win, you're entitled to free sex" said the attendant.
"How do we enter?" asked one.
"Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10, if you guess right, you win free sex."
"OK. I guess 7," said the other rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.
The next week, the two guys go back to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.
"Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and
10, if you guess right. You win free sex."
"2" said the Harley rider.
"Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Y'all come back soon
and try again."
As they walked back to their bikes, one said to the other,
"You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged."
"No way," came the reply. "My wife won twice last week."

[macca9540]

The young blonde bride made her first appointment with a gynecologist and told him that she and her husband wished to start a family.

"We've been trying for months now, doctor, and I don't seem to be able to get pregnant," she confessed miserably.

"I'm sure we’ll solve your problem," the doctor reassured her.

"If you'll just take off your clothes and get up on the examining table."

"Well, all right, doctor," agreed the young woman, blushing, "but I'd rather have my husband's baby.

[macca9540]

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[macca9540]

The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.

"We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation," she said, "ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

[macca9540]

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."

[macca9540]

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

[macca9540]

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"

[macca9540]

Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."

[macca9540]

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.

[macca9540]

Question: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
Answer: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.

[macca9540]

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"

[macca9540]

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper."

[macca9540]

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

[macca9540]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."

[LoopyLee]

Airline Funnies!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the aeroplane during the
flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, this is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

- happy flying

[LoopyLee]

LIVING IN 2008

You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE .

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about emailing a copy of it to your "friends".
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
16. You actually check that there wasn't a No.9
17. AND NOW U R LAUGHING ON YOUR STUPIDNESS.. ;-)

[LoopyLee]

More.. The Guys Rules

1. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Anyone can buy condoms.
6. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
7. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
8. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
9. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a tw*t and your Dad probably is too.
10. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
13. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
14. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
15. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
18. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
21. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
23. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.

[LoopyLee]

Why Its Better To Be A Woman


We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'short
woman's complex'

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions, ...and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts......and pool.....and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers..... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

And finally... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

[LoopyLee]