[jazzy]

[Destructo]

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire (U.K)

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport.

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

[macca9540]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly
Gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
Something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
Flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
Shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
Finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
What do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[macca9540]

5000 men were surveyed last week and asked why they liked blowjobs.
1% liked the warmth,
2% liked the sensation,
3% liked the eroticism,



and 94% liked the peace and quiet.

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by macca9540

5000 men were surveyed last week and asked why they liked blowjobs.
1% liked the warmth,
2% liked the sensation,
3% liked the eroticism,



and 94% liked the peace and quiet.

[texasixes]

*hope this isn't too risque*

A frustrated housewife decided, after 20 years of marriage, that her sex life needed a bit "spicing-up". After her husband had gone to work she slipped out and went to a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, dolled herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she had prepared him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky "come f*ck me voice says, "Honey, would you like some of this?" The husband looks between his wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "Hell, no! Look at what it did to your underwear!"

[texasixes]

okay, just one more...

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court, but custody of the kids was a problem. the mother jumped up and protested to the judge that, she had brought the kids into this world and she should retain custody. The old mountaineer also wanted custody and when the judge asked for his side of the story he slowly rose from his chair and said

"Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

[Destructo]

http://i338.photobucket.com/albums/n...-RRW/OzMap.jpg

These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )
A: epends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia ? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane , Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay ? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? (USA)
A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe . Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? (UK)
A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is... Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia ? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia , but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia ? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[macca9540]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house.

She knocked on the door then immediately
walked in. She was shocked to see her
daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked.

Soft music was playing, and the aroma of
perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.'
The daughter-in-law answered.

' But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained.

'Every time he sees me in this dress,
he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she
undressed, showered, put on her best perfume,
dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay
on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive.

Finally, her husband came home. He walked in
and saw her lying there so provocatively.

' What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually.

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by texasixes

*hope this isn't too risque*

A frustrated housewife decided, after 20 years of marriage, that her sex life needed a bit "spicing-up". After her husband had gone to work she slipped out and went to a lingerie shop and picked up a pair of crotchless knickers. She went home, dolled herself up and donned the new garment and selected a short skirt to go with it. She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him after she had prepared him a drink. She slowly spread her legs, and in a husky "come f*ck me voice says, "Honey, would you like some of this?" The husband looks between his wife's legs and lets out his breath, looking up at his doting wife replies, "Hell, no! Look at what it did to your underwear!"

[BurtonF166]

Originally Posted by macca9540

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[macca9540]

My missus has just gone into hospital with 2 black eyes and a broken
jaw! It seems we were on different wave lengths when she said she wanted decking on the patio.

[macca9540]

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh!t and can't drive!

[Sideshow bob]

Originally Posted by macca9540

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh!t and can't drive!

[gsxrfxr]

A wife hit her husband with a frying pan.
Husband: What was that for..?
Wife: I found a paper in your pocket
with the name Jenny on it.
Husband: I took part in a race last week
and Jenny was the name of my horse.
Wife: Sorry..!
Next day wife hit him with the frying pan again
Husband: What now..?
Wife: Your horse is on the Phone.

[gsxrfxr]

Judge: why did u shoot ur wife
instead of shootingher lover?
killer:Your honour,
it's easier to shoot a woman once,
than shooting one man every week.

[Bonefish]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH'S


A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)


Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f....... difference?' asks the father.

'That's what I said!'



LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a b***job.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)


One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'

'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.

'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully..'

She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.

'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''


LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.

[arg954]

Originally Posted by macca9540

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they are right. After 8 pints I talk sh!t and can't drive!

[StrumminRonin]

gsxrxr - brilliant. Keep them coming!

[macca9540]

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick
bastard"

[Sideshow bob]

Originally Posted by macca9540

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick
bastard"

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by macca9540

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick
bastard"

: rotfl:

[jrivas]

Originally Posted by macca9540

Vicar booking into a hotel asks the receptionist "Is the Porn channel
in my room disabled ?" "No" she replies "its just regular porn you sick
bastard"

wow!! i had to really think on this one.......freakin hillarious!!! good one macca

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by jrivas

wow!! i had to really think on this one.......freakin hillarious!!! good one macca

[BurtonF166]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by BurtonF166

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

[jrivas]

Originally Posted by BurtonF166

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!

good one burt

[macca9540]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a
sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the
holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the
conversation. A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling
screams..

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to
fit the halo.'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell.'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped
and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I've already got the holes for
that.'

[jazzy]

Nice one Macca

[jrivas]

another good one macca