[macca9540]

Male language dictionary
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Can we have sex now?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[macca9540]

Women vs Men
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[macca9540]

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."

[macca9540]

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".

[macca9540]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f****n' map!"

[macca9540]

Woman's dictionary
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".

[macca9540]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.

[macca9540]

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is FOLLICLY CHALLENGED.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

[macca9540]

How to shower like a woman...
1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13) Turn off shower.
14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails tweezers if found.
17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed

[macca9540]

How to shower like a man
1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo woo" sound.
3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your privates.
4) Get in the shower.
5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6) Wash your face.
7) Wash your armpits.
8) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9) Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10) Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12) Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14) Pee.
15) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16) Partially dry off.
17) Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19) Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20) Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Think about the old days and mutter just audibly "Why isn't my favourite shirt ironed?".

[macca9540]

Male Date Rape Drug Warning . . .
Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting bar regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a date rape drug going around called "beer," and it appears in liquid form.
The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them.
"Beer," is available virtually anywhere.
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer," and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.
After several "beers," men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.
If you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discus the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected guys.
For your nearest support group just look up 'Bars' in the yellow pages.

[itsrhuf]

Two canibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"

[itsrhuf]

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?...The position of the dirtbag.

[Bucko@buck88.ka]

A guy walks into a bar and say's ouch !

[macca9540]

O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[Sideshow bob]

Hey Macca9540,

I've Been looking for a haynes manual for loopy* for ages...

Women vs Men, Woman's dictionary explain alot
....Think I know were i going wrong now

(* She has a unexplained intermitant whine, and can be tempremental to start)

[macca9540]

Originally Posted by Sideshow bob

Hey Macca9540,

I've Been looking for a haynes manual for loopy* for ages...

Women vs Men, Woman's dictionary explain alot
....Think I know were i going wrong now

(* She has a unexplained intermitant whine, and can be tempremental to start)

So glad I could help mate.

[LoopyLee]

Originally Posted by Sideshow bob

Hey Macca9540,

I've Been looking for a haynes manual for loopy* for ages...

Women vs Men, Woman's dictionary explain alot
....Think I know were i going wrong now

(* She has a unexplained intermitant whine, and can be tempremental to start)

Hmmm.....

If anyone hears screams of pain coming from our neck of the woods tonight, pretend you dont hear them...

They will be coming from Sideshow............

[LoopyLee]

The Day The Penis Asked For A Raise..

I, the Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following
reasons:

I do physical labour.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.
I work in high temperatures.
My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss


The Response:

Dear P. Niss,

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you
have raised,
The administration rejects your request for the following reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.
You fall asleep after brief work periods.
You do not always follow the orders of the management team.
You do not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other locations.
You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working.
You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.
You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as
wearing the correct protective clothing.
You will retire well before you are 65.
You are unable to work double shifts.
You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have
completed your assigned task.
And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,

V. Gina

[macca9540]

Originally Posted by LoopyLee

Hmmm.....

If anyone hears screams of pain coming from our neck of the woods tonight, pretend you dont hear them...

They will be coming from Sideshow............

RUN FOREST! RUN!

[macca9540]

There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a local tribe there.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief got pregnant and eventually gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to pay a visit to the missionary.
"Father, my wife gave birth to a baby"
"Why, that's a very good news, Chief. Congrats"
"But Father, it is a white boy!?!?!?"
The missionary thinks for sometime and in a deep voice replies, "Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways.... The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white sheep.."
The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment before he spoke, "Okay Father, here's the deal. You tell no one, and I'll tell no one."

[macca9540]

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticketbook, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughingtoo hard to start her car.

[macca9540]

A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."
The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"

[LoopyLee]

Haynes Manuals... And the true meanings of their imparted wisdom....

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.. We warned you

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some mole-grips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: recovery Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.. Alternatively, clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do

[LoopyLee]

A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.

[LoopyLee]

Brilliant - one to remember if you're shopping......

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.

Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.

I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.

Stupid c*w..........why else would I buy dog food??

[LoopyLee]

After threeweeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that cr*p about the rib?

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by LoopyLee

The Birds and the Bees

Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really sh*g each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."

[macca9540]

A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"

[macca9540]

A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"