[macca9540]

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

[macca9540]

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."

[Twincam]

My sides hurt after reading all of these

[LoopyLee]

Oh good.. That was the idea of the thread.. People kept putting jokes in the off topic section and they got lost, so I thought it was better to have a joke thread so they could all be together.. like one big happy joke family

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by LoopyLee

Haynes Manuals... And the true meanings of their imparted wisdom....

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.. We warned you

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some mole-grips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: recovery Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.. Alternatively, clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do

Loopy, that's brilliant and worth rep

[LoopyLee]

Originally Posted by Surffrog

Loopy, that's brilliant and worth rep

It made me laugh my head off too.. and thank you

[macca9540]

Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word
"penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's
friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when
he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show
you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants
and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it
a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and
took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and
said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment
and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two
inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"

[macca9540]

A Vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't!"

[macca9540]

A MOTHER TOOK HER SMALL SON TO THE CITY FOR THE FIRST TIME. AFTER A DAY
OF SIGHTSEEING THEY ARRIVED AT THE STATION TO CATCH THE TRAIN BACK TO THE
BUSH.
"MUMMY". ASKED THE LITTLE BOY, "BIG HORSES HAVE LITTLE HORSES AND BIG COWS
HAVE LITTLE COWS, SO WHY DON'T BIG TRAINS HAVE LITTLE TRAINS?"
FACED WITH AN AWKWARD QUESTION, HIS MOTHER TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT.
"GO OVER AND ASK THAT MAN," SHE SAID AND POINTED TO THE INFORMATION BOOTH.
THE BOY TROTTED OVER AND REPEATED THE QUESTION.
"WHO TOLD YOU TO ASK ME THAT" ASKED THE INFO BLOKE.
"IT WAS MY MUM" HE REPLIED.
"RIGHT," SAID THE BLOKE, "YOU GO BACK AND TELL YOUR MOTHER IT'S 'COS BIG
TRAINS PULL OUT ON TIME."

[LoopyLee]

A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes her way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”

[macca9540]

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.




The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.




The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.




Obviously, the man was impressed.




The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.




Then…………………..

he married the one with the biggest tits.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[macca9540]

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to
the call. The house was very dark so the paramedic asked
Kathleen, a 3-yr old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her
mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.
Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.
Mommy pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and
spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked
the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she
had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there
in the first place......smack his ass again!'

[LoopyLee]

Occasionally Australian airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight 'safety lecture' and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

On an Air NZ Flight with a very 'senior' flight attendant crew, the Pilot said, 'Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.'

On landing the hostess said, 'Please be sure to take all your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.'

'There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to leave the aircraft.'

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Auckland , a lone Voice came over the loudspeaker: 'Whoa, big fella. WHOA!'

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, 'Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f*** everything has shifted.'

From a Qantas employee: 'Welcome aboard Qantas Flight X to Y to operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public un-supervised.'

'In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite.

'Weather at our destination is 32 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines.'

'Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.'

Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart . The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, 'That was quite bump and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault.. it was the asphalt!'

Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing: 'We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.'


An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying United. 'He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for an old lady walking with a cane. She said, 'Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?' 'Why no Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'
The little old lady said, 'Did we land or were we shot down?'

After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney , the Flight Attendant came on with, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.'

Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: 'We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think of Qantas.'

A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, 'Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number XYZ, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - ARGHHH! OH, MY GOD!' Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!'
A passenger in Economy said, 'That's nothing. He should see the back of mine!'

[macca9540]

This one was in the paper over here a while back.
Flight attendant giving last instructions before landing finished off with "would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in Cairns see me after every body has left the plane". Opps!

[LoopyLee]

Brilliant Home remedies

1. If you're choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling waterdown your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someoneelse to hold the vegetables while you chop.
3. Men avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – usethe sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed fora few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. Remember to usea timer.
5. A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you fromrolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'llbe afraid to cough.
7. You only need two tools in life - wd-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the wd-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use theduct tape.
8. Remember - everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

Daily Thought: some people are like slinkies - not really good foranything, but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs.

[macca9540]

Windscreen Bug

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and cut the man's penis off and tossed it out the window.

Driving behind the couple was a man and his 8-year-old daughter. The girl was chatting away to her father when all of a sudden the penis splattered into their car windscreen, stuck for a moment, then disappeared over the roof.

Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what was that?'

Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'

The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said.................

'Had a big dick, didn't it?'

[LoopyLee]

1. Men are like ...Laxatives ... They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like ...Bananas ..... The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like ...Weather ..... Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like ...Blenders .... You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

5. Men are like ...Chocolate.... Sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like ...Commercials ..You can't believe a word they say.

7. Men are like ...Department Stores .... Their clothes are always ½ off.

8. Men are like ...Government Bonds...... They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like ...Mascara ..... They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like ...Popcorn ..... They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like ...Snowstorms .. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like ...Lava Lamps .. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

[LoopyLee]

A lady was trying to spice up her sex life with her husband, so she thought she would try something new! She went shopping and bought herself a pair of crotchless knickers.

That evening she put her new knickers on, along with the shortest skirt she could find in her wardrobe, and went downstairs to join her hubby in the living room.

Sitting on the couch across from her hubby, she strikes up a conversation. When he turns round to answer her, he does a double take!! He looks a little closer, then a little closer.

'Honey, are you wearing crotchless knickers??' asked her husband,
'Yes', she replied, getting excited

'Oh thank f*ck for that', he replied, 'I thought the couch was burst!!'

[macca9540]

And you also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200m house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.