[jhonda41]

the North American 2009 Honda model lineup.

budump-bump



get it?

[LoopyLee]

So there's this Pirate with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the pirate who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!" But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then he gets mad and says, "OK, I've got the thing for you." and locks the bird in a cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of abuse that would make a veteran pirate blush. At that point, he is so mad that he throws the parrot into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on. By the way, what did the chicken do?"

[LoopyLee]

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'
OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.

[LoopyLee]

A couple are going out for a night on the town. They're all dolled up, ready to go; the lights left on, the dog put out.

But just as the taxi arrives and they step out of the house, the dog darts back inside and won't come out. They don't want to leave the dog inside, so the husband goes upstairs to find it, while the wife goes to Wait in the taxi.

Not wanting it known that the house will be empty, she explains to the driver that her husband had just gone 'to say good-bye to my mother'.

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.

'Sorry I took so long,' he says. 'Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat-hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the backyard!

She'd better not sh!t in the vegetable garden again!'.

The silence in the cab was deafening.

[macca9540]

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

(You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

-----------------------
1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
------------------------
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'
-------------------
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
-----------------
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
----------------------
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
----------------------
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
--------------------
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
-------------------
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
-------------------
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
---------------------
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
---------------------
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
---------------------
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
--------------------
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
-----------------
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
---------------
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
------------------

God Save the Queen!
PS:Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

[macca9540]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he
noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby
cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50
feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man
walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the
man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now
is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?'

'My wife's.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife
when
the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

[Destructo]

Got this on email at work yesterday.... It's a bit long, but it made me laugh so I think it's worth it.

Here's a prime example of "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" offered by an English professor from the University of Phoenix.

The professor told his class one day "Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The process is simple. The class will divide in to pairs. As homework tonight, one of you will write the first paragraph of a short story. You will e-mail your partner that paragraph and send another copy to me.

The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another paragraph to the story and send it back, also sending another copy to me. The first person will then add a third paragraph, and so on back-and-forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each time in order to keep the story coherent. There is to be absolutely no talking outside of these e-mails and anything you wish to say must be written in the e-mail. The story is over when both agree a conclusion has been reached."

The following was actually turned in by two of his students, Rebecca and Gary.

--------------------------------------------------

THE STORY

(first paragraph by Rebecca)
At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favourite for lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off Carl. His possesiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the question.

(Gary)
Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had much more important things to think about than the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator. "Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far...." But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay. The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat across the cockpit.

(Rebecca)
He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he felt one last pang of regret for physicaly brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel," Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the window, dreaming of her youth, when the days had passed unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspaper to read, no television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose one's innocence to become a woman?" she wondered wistfully.

(Gary)
Little did she know, but she had less than 10 seconds to live. Thoudands of miles above the city, the Anudrian mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through the congress had left Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty the Anudrian ships were on couse for Earth, carrying enough firepower to pulverize the entire planet. With no-one to stop them, they swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive explosion, which vaporised poor, stupid Laurie.

(Rebecca)
This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic semi-literate adolescent.

(Gary)
Yeah? Well, my writing partner is a self-centred tedious neurotic! Whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium. "Oh, shall I have chamomile tea? Or shall I have some other sort of F**KING TEA???! Oh no WHAT AM I to do? I'm such an air-headed bimbo who reads too many Daniella Steele novels!"

(Rebecca)
A**hole

(Gary)
Bitch

(Rebecca)
(F**K YOU - YOU NEANDERTHAL

(Gary)
Go drink some tea - whore

(Professor)
A+.......I really liked this one.

[soreknee]

Humpty Dumpty sat on the bed, lil Bo Peep was giving him head. As soon as he came she started to weep, she knew by the taste he'd been ****ing her sheep!!

[LoopyLee]

This guy goes to a super market and goes to isle 12 and asks for a box of condoms.

The lady askes "what size" and the guy says "I don't know" so the lady askes him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few times and says "you need a box of x-large condoms".

So this guy hears behind him and he asks for a box of condom's, and the lady says "what size" and the guy says I don't know.

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants.

The lady tugs a few time and says "get a box of medium condoms"

So this teenager in isle 11 hears and wants some of the action.

So he goes to isle 12 and asks "can I have a box of condoms"

The lady asks "what size" and the teenage says "I don't know"

So the lady asks him to pull down his pants .

When he does, the lady tugs a few times, stands up and announces over the loud speaker system "Clean up in isle 12, clean up in isle 12"

[josk1176]

[jazzy]

You are driving at a constant speed, on your left is a sheer drop, on your right is a fire engine all travelling the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level also travelling at the same speed. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation??????
Get off the kiddies merry go round you P!ssed up B&$tard !!!

[LoopyLee]

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"



wait for it.....................





"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"

[dbierman]

Originally Posted by LoopyLee

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"



wait for it.....................





"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"

[LoopyLee]

Originally Posted by dbierman

maybe they dont have that car ad in the usa

[dbierman]

Maybe that's why I didn't get it.

[FB1000inPA]

Originally Posted by LoopyLee

A German guy approaches a prostitute and says, " I vish to buy sex vit you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge 100 dollars an hour."

"Ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously. "I can do a little kinky."

So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller and says, "I vant you to tie ze springs to each of your limbs."

The girl finds this very strange, but complies, fastening the springs to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans and knees."

She duly does this, balancing on the springs.

"You vill please blow zis vistle as I make love to you."

She finds all this very odd, but figures it's harmless, and the guy is paying.

The sex is fantastic. She is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller.

The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced, and it is several minutes before she has recovered her breath.

Finally she gasps, "That was totally amazing....... what do you call
that?"



wait for it.....................





"Ah", says the German, "Four-spring duck technique"

Yes baby. Now the secret is out.

[DragonRider]

Originally Posted by FB1000inPA

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his
wallet and all of his identification.

Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was
stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

'May I see your ID, por favor, senor?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet,' replied the guy.

'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border,'
said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I
have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other.'

'This I gotta see, senor,' replied the agent.

With that, Joe dropped his pants and bent over in front of the agent.

'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have fun
in Chicago .'

'Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from Chicago?'

The agent replied,

'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!'

Hmmm...is this because he is an A-hole or he is Black? LOL ROTFLMFAO

[macca9540]

New Bell Ringer

Following the death of Quasimodo, the Bishop of the Cathedral Church of Notre Dame sent word throughout the streets of Paris that a new bellringer would need to be appointed. The Bishop decided that he would himself conduct the interviews, and went up into the belfry to interview the candidates. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day, when an armless man approached him announcing that he was there to apply for the post. The Bishop declared,
" My Son, you have no arms!"
" No matter" replied the man.
He then proceeded to strike the bells with his face, producing the most beautiful melody on the carillon. The Bishop was astonished, believing he had indeed found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But in rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry to his death in the street below. The Bishop, stunned rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beauty of the music they had heard a moment before. As they parted in silence to allow the Bishop through, one in the crowd asked
" Bishop, who was this man?"
.." I don't know his name" replied the Bishop sadly,
" But his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart, the Bishop continued his interviews for a bell ringer. The first man to approach addressed him, "Your Grace, I am the brother of the poor armless man who fell to his death from this belfry yesterday. I pray that you will allow me to replace my brother." The Bishop agreed to an audition, but as the man reached to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, collapsed, and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the cries of grief from the Bishop at the tragedy, rushed up the stairs......
"What has happened? Who is this man? " they cried.
" I don't know his name" exclaimed the distraught Bishop,.........
............but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

[macca9540]

Sheila didn't come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she'd been she said she spent the night at a girl friend's house. Bruce was a bit suspicious she'd been rooting around so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
Next week Bruce didn't come home one night. Sheila asks him where the hell he'd been. Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate's place and thought it was safer not to drive and crash out there. Sheila thinks he's been rooting around so rings his ten best mates. Eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he's still there.

[LoopyLee]

A young woman had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.
Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked, "Why are you back in so early ?"
"I was stung by a bee", she said.
"Where?" he asked.
"Between the first and second hole", she replied.
He nodded knowingly and said, "Then your stance is too wide."

[macca9540]

One