[ConqSoft]

John Kerry is out jogging one morning and notices Little Hannah on the
corner with a box.

Curious, he runs over to Little Hannah and says, "What's in the box,
kid?"

Little Hannah says, "Kittens, they're brand new kittens."

Kerry laughs and says, "What kind of kittens are they?"

"Democrats," says Little Hannah.

"Oh that's cute," he says and goes on his way.

A few days later, John Kerry is walking with his buddy Ted Kennedy and
he spies Little Hannah with her box of kitten just ahead.

He says to Ted, "You gotta check this out," and they both walk over to
Little Hannah.

Kerry says, "Look in the box, Teddy, isn't that cute? Look at those
little kittens. Hey, kid, tell my friend Teddy what kind of kittens they are."

Little Hannah replies, "They're Republicans."

Whoa!" John Kerry says, "I came by here the other day and you said they were Democrats. What's up?"

"Well," Little Hannah explains, "their eyes are open now."

[BDA116]

The question is: Did Teddy boy then toss the kittens into shallow water and wait around until they had drowned?

[need2read]

"John Kerry says the 'W' in George W. Bush stands for 'Wrong.' But he still can't explain what John Kerry stands for." --David Letterman

"John Kerry keeping a low profile this week. He said he wanted to get away and go someplace where no one would expect to see him. So I guess he showed up at his old seat in the Senate. Nobody's going to look for him there." --Jay Leno

"You see the pictures in the paper today of John Kerry windsurfing? He's at his home in Nantucket this week, doing his favorite thing, windsurfing. Even his hobby depends on which way the wind blows." —Jay Leno

"The latest issue of GQ magazine, John Kerry talks about what a man should look for in a woman. GQ? If John Kerry is going to talk about what he likes in a woman, shouldn't it be in Fortune or Money magazine?" --Jay Leno

"Vice President Dick Cheney attacked John Kerry. He said that John Kerry 'lacks deeply held convictions.' Today Kerry shot back, he said, 'That's not completely true.'" —Jay Leno

"There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'" —Craig Kilborn

"The campaign for the White House is heating up with John Kerry taking heat for throwing his Vietnam medals away, getting a $1000 haircut, and wearing a 1970s wig known as 'the Leno.' There are really two sides to this story. And America can't wait for Kerry to present both of them." —David Letterman

"President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.' " —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry spent the day reading to preschoolers ... and the kids said Kerry actually lacked warmth and failed to articulate a clear message." —David Letterman

"Courtney Love said she once escorted Kerry to a concert. John Kerry once went out with Courtney Love and he's questioning Bush's judgment." —Jay Leno

"Kerry was here in Los Angeles. He was courting the Spanish vote by speaking Spanish. And he showed people he could be boring in two languages." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry fell off of his bicycle over the weekend. He went for a Sunday afternoon ride, fell off in front of the news media. Luckily, his hair broke the fall so it's not as serious. ... Thankfully, Senator Kerry was not seriously injured. In fact, when the police arrived, Kerry was well enough to give conflicting reports to the officers about what happened." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry's wife Teresa Heinz is on the cover of Newsweek magazine this week and they said that if he is elected president, she will be the oldest first lady in American history. But that doesn't bother John Kerry, he said, 'To me, she looks like a million bucks'" —Jay Leno

"They say John Kerry is the first Democratic presidential candidate in history to raise $50 million in a three-month period. Actually, that's nothing. He once raised $500 million with two words: 'I do.'" —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq." —Craig Kilborn

"The Secret Service has announced it is doubling its protection for John Kerry. You can understand why — with two positions on every issue, he has twice as many people mad at him." —Jay Leno

"Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton." —David Letterman

"According to a new study, Botox injections can help back pain. So you see, that's why John Kerry had all that Botox — his back was killing him from all that flip-flopping on issues." —Jay Leno

"An Internet rumor claims that John Kerry had an affair with a young woman. When asked if this was similar to the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal, a spokesman said 'Close, but no cigar.'" —Jimmy Fallon, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

[need2read]

"Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit." —Craig Kilborn

"John Kerry reportedly flew in his private hairdresser before his "Meet the Press" interview for a total cost of $1,000. That's $1,000 for a haircut, which sounds like a lot, but have you seen the size of Kerry's head." —Jay Leno

"Well the good news for Democrats, now over half the country can identify a picture of John Kerry. The bad news, the majority still thinks he's the dad from 'The Munsters."' —Jay Leno

"Senator Kerry recovering very nicely after having shoulder surgery. The doctors said the senator was fully awake, lucid and joking after the surgery was done, but cautioned that that was just the drug. He went back to his boring self soon afterward." —Jay Leno

"Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card." —Craig Kilborn

"We make jokes about it but the truth is this presidential election really offers us a choice of two well-informed opposing positions on every issue. OK, they both belong to John Kerry, but they're still there." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry described his Republican critics as 'the most crooked, lying group I've ever seen.' Now, that's saying something, because Kerry's both a lawyer and a politician." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle." —Craig Kilborn

"Presidential campaign getting kind of ugly, did you hear about this? Yesterday, a 27-year-old woman came for to deny rumors that she had an affair with Democratic front-runner John Kerry. The woman added, 'I would never cheat on Bill Clinton.'" —Conan O'Brien

"John Kerry was officially endorsed by Dick Gephardt, and Kerry said, 'What did I ever do to you?'" —Craig Kilborn

"A number of plastic surgeons are claiming that looking at John Kerry now, as opposed to a few months ago, they believe he's had Botox shots. They claim a number of his worry lines have vanished. They haven't vanished, just Howard Dean is wearing them now." —Jay Leno

"In his big victory speech last night, Senator Kerry said that he wanted to defeat George Bush and the 'economy of privilege.' Then he hugged his wife, Teresa, heir to the multi-million dollar Heinz food fortune." —Jay Leno

"A new poll shows that Senator Kerry's support in the South is strongest amongst blacks. Kerry's appeal to Southern blacks is obvious. He is a white man who lives far, far away." —Dennis Miller

"John Kerry’s victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It’s a whole different game." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry was the big winner in Iowa. Ted Kennedy introduced Kerry as the 'comeback kid.' That used to be Bill Clinton's name — because every time he would come back to a city, he would find out if he had a kid or not." —Jay Leno

"John Kerry is recovering nicely after having prostate surgery. But the doctors did tell him it would be several months before he could be sexually active again. All the other Democratic candidates have been very supportive. Joe Lieberman called to wish him the best. The Rev. Al Sharpton called to offer prayers. Former President Bill Clinton called Mrs. Kerry and asked if she was lonely." —Jay Leno