[pladecalvo]

Little Barry came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted:

"Mum, I want a bike for my birthday."

Little Barry was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Barry's mother asked him if he thought he deserved
to get a bike for his birthday. Little Barry, of course, thought he did.

Barry's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his
behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to Jesus, and tell him why
he deserved a bike for his birthday.

Little Barry stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write Jesus a letter.

Dear Jesus,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Barry.


Barry knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year,
so he tore up he letter and started over.

Dear Jesus,
This is your friend Barry. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Barry.

Barry knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started
again.

Dear Jesus,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my
birthday.
Your friend,
Barry.

Barry knew he could not send this letter to Jesus either. Barry was very
upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.
Barry's mother thought her plan had worked because Barry looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.

Barry walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.

Barry began to write his letter to Jesus.

I'VE GOT YOUR MUM.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN,
SEND THE BIKE.

[pladecalvo]

Jhuger - Kissing Hank's Butt

This morning there was a knock at my door. When I answered the door I found a well groomed, nicely dressed couple. The man spoke first:


John: "Hi! I'm John, and this is Mary."
Mary: "Hi! We're here to invite you to come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Pardon me?! What are you talking about? Who's Hank, and why would I want to kiss His butt?"
John: "If you kiss Hank's butt, He'll give you a million dollars; and if you don't, He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "What? Is this some sort of bizarre mob shake-down?"
John: "Hank is a billionaire philanthropist. Hank built this town. Hank owns this town. He can do whatever He wants, and what He wants is to give you a million dollars, but He can't until you kiss His butt."
Me: "That doesn't make any sense. Why..."
Mary: "Who are you to question Hank's gift? Don't you want a million dollars? Isn't it worth a little kiss on the butt?"
Me: "Well maybe, if it's legit, but..."
John: "Then come kiss Hank's butt with us."
Me: "Do you kiss Hank's butt often?"
Mary: "Oh yes, all the time..."
Me: "And has He given you a million dollars?"
John: "Well no. You don't actually get the money until you leave town."
Me: "So why don't you just leave town now?"
Mary: "You can't leave until Hank tells you to, or you don't get the money, and He kicks the snot out of you."
Me: "Do you know anyone who kissed Hank's butt, left town, and got the million dollars?"
John: "My mother kissed Hank's butt for years. She left town last year, and I'm sure she got the money."
Me: "Haven't you talked to her since then?"
John: "Of course not, Hank doesn't allow it."
Me: "So what makes you think He'll actually give you the money if you've never talked to anyone who got the money?"
Mary: "Well, He gives you a little bit before you leave. Maybe you'll get a raise, maybe you'll win a small lotto, maybe you'll just find a twenty-dollar bill on the street."
Me: "What's that got to do with Hank?"
John: "Hank has certain 'connections.'"
Me: "I'm sorry, but this sounds like some sort of bizarre con game."
John: "But it's a million dollars, can you really take the chance? And remember, if you don't kiss Hank's butt He'll kick the snot out of you."
Me: "Maybe if I could see Hank, talk to Him, get the details straight from Him..."
Mary: "No one sees Hank, no one talks to Hank."
Me: "Then how do you kiss His butt?"
John: "Sometimes we just blow Him a kiss, and think of His butt. Other times we kiss Karl's butt, and he passes it on."
Me: "Who's Karl?"
Mary: "A friend of ours. He's the one who taught us all about kissing Hank's butt. All we had to do was take him out to dinner a few times."
Me: "And you just took his word for it when he said there was a Hank, that Hank wanted you to kiss His butt, and that Hank would reward you?"
John: "Oh no! Karl has a letter he got from Hank years ago explaining the whole thing. Here's a copy; see for yourself."
From the Desk of Karl

1. Kiss Hank's butt and He'll give you a million dollars when you leave town.
2. Use alcohol in moderation.
3. Kick the snot out of people who aren't like you.
4. Eat right.
5. Hank dictated this list Himself.
6. The moon is made of green cheese.
7. Everything Hank says is right.
8. Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.
9. Don't use alcohol.
10. Eat your wieners on buns, no condiments.
11. Kiss Hank's butt or He'll kick the snot out of you.

Me: "This appears to be written on Karl's letterhead."
Mary: "Hank didn't have any paper."
Me: "I have a hunch that if we checked we'd find this is Karl's handwriting."
John: "Of course, Hank dictated it."
Me: "I thought you said no one gets to see Hank?"
Mary: "Not now, but years ago He would talk to some people."
Me: "I thought you said He was a philanthropist. What sort of philanthropist kicks the snot out of people just because they're different?"
Mary: "It's what Hank wants, and Hank's always right."
Me: "How do you figure that?"
Mary: "Item 7 says 'Everything Hank says is right.' That's good enough for me!"
Me: "Maybe your friend Karl just made the whole thing up."
John: "No way! Item 5 says 'Hank dictated this list himself.' Besides, item 2 says 'Use alcohol in moderation,' Item 4 says 'Eat right,' and item 8 says 'Wash your hands after going to the bathroom.' Everyone knows those things are right, so the rest must be true, too."
Me: "But 9 says 'Don't use alcohol.' which doesn't quite go with item 2, and 6 says 'The moon is made of green cheese,' which is just plain wrong."
John: "There's no contradiction between 9 and 2, 9 just clarifies 2. As far as 6 goes, you've never been to the moon, so you can't say for sure."
Me: "Scientists have pretty firmly established that the moon is made of rock..."
Mary: "But they don't know if the rock came from the Earth, or from out of space, so it could just as easily be green cheese."
Me: "I'm not really an expert, but I think the theory that the Moon was somehow 'captured' by the Earth has been discounted*. Besides, not knowing where the rock came from doesn't make it cheese."
John: "Ha! You just admitted that scientists make mistakes, but we know Hank is always right!"
Me: "We do?"
Mary: "Of course we do, Item 7 says so."
Me: "You're saying Hank's always right because the list says so, the list is right because Hank dictated it, and we know that Hank dictated it because the list says so. That's circular logic, no different than saying 'Hank's right because He says He's right.'"
John: "Now you're getting it! It's so rewarding to see someone come around to Hank's way of thinking."
Me: "But...oh, never mind. What's the deal with wieners?"
Mary: She blushes.
John: "Wieners, in buns, no condiments. It's Hank's way. Anything else is wrong."
Me: "What if I don't have a bun?"
John: "No bun, no wiener. A wiener without a bun is wrong."
Me: "No relish? No Mustard?"
Mary: She looks positively stricken.
John: He's shouting. "There's no need for such language! Condiments of any kind are wrong!"
Me: "So a big pile of sauerkraut with some wieners chopped up in it would be out of the question?"
Mary: Sticks her fingers in her ears."I am not listening to this. La la la, la la, la la la."
John: "That's disgusting. Only some sort of evil deviant would eat that..."
Me: "It's good! I eat it all the time."
Mary: She faints.
John: He catches Mary. "Well, if I'd known you were one of those I wouldn't have wasted my time. When Hank kicks the snot out of you I'll be there, counting my money and laughing. I'll kiss Hank's butt for you, you bunless cut-wienered kraut-eater."
With this, John dragged Mary to their waiting car, and sped off.

[pladecalvo]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates.


St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. " Dude, I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"

God says "We are over quota on gypsies . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "Dude!They've gone.", he tells God.

"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No!", says Peter......"the f***ing gates".

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by pladecalvo

Little Barry

[jazzy]

Originally Posted by pladecalvo

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. " Dude, I've got 40 gypsies here. Can I let them in?"

God says "We are over quota on gypsies . Go out and tell them to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in."

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again. "Dude!They've gone.", he tells God.

"What?" says God, "All 40 of them?"

"No!", says Peter......"the f***ing gates".

[trippa]

Barry's letter was cute & funny, but I am more interested in Pladecalvo's satirical madeup conversation. His misunderstanding of Christianity is quite apparent in this dialogue. God the Son voluntarily came to earth in the flesh as Jesus, who had the snot kicked out of him & died a cruel death for us while we were yet sinners, deserving a just punishment. We may have inherited a sin nature from Adam & Eve, but we do have free will to do good or to do bad. Jesus doesn't want anybody to kiss butt, but only for His ultimate creation, human beings, to respond to His love & sacrifice on our behalf. I am talking about having a personal relationship with the God who created & loves you with an everlasing love, not an impirical discussion. If you have or ever had a good girlfriend, I am quite sure that you did not require to know everything about her or absolute proof of her love for you before embracing this relationship. Also, I haven't seen any documentation or writing from anybody living at the time of Jesus who disputes the claims of Christ. Like any other relationship, there is an element of trust(faith), but if you or anyone else in all sincerity ask Jesus to come into your life as Lord & Savior, He will & you will know it, & you don't have to first 'leave town'.

[pladecalvo]

Originally Posted by trippa

Also, I haven't seen any documentation or writing from anybody living at the time of Jesus who disputes the claims of Christ.

Of course you haven't!! That's because he didn't exist. There was nothing to "dispute".

[BigBassTurd]

Kissing Hanks butt

Hit the Faith nail right on the head. To me this is exactly how religous people sound when they try to debate/explain thier beliefs to non believers.

[trippa]

Originally Posted by pladecalvo

Of course you haven't!! That's because he didn't exist. There was nothing to "dispute".

You would think that with the accounts of Jesus' life & teaching still existing today 2000 years later which was being proclaimed by those once fearful disciples, somebody at the time would have at least written a note, saying 'wait a minite I was there & Jesus stayed dead'.

[pladecalvo]

There was nothing to write about!

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by trippa

You would think that with the accounts of Jesus' life & teaching still existing today 2000 years later which was being proclaimed by those once fearful disciples, somebody at the time would have at least written a note, saying 'wait a minite I was there & Jesus stayed dead'.

I read a great deal of fictional (sci-fi or fantasy adventure) books, and if one of those books was found thousands of years later by a culture long removed from my own, they might think that what they can determine in those damaged pages actually happened...

[fighter954rr]

Originally Posted by Surffrog

I read a great deal of fictional (sci-fi or fantasy adventure) books, and if one of those books was found thousands of years later by a culture long removed from my own, they might think that what they can determine in those damaged pages actually happened...

Yep! in millions of years there will be people praying to harry potter!

[Surffrog]

I was thinking R2 D2

[dr256]

Originally Posted by Surffrog

I was thinking R2 D2

so instead of the Virgin Mary on the alter, there will a repeating hologram of Princess Leia and everyone will think Obi-Wan Kenobi is God?

I guess you could say Obi-Wan rose from the dead after his duel with Darth Vader. Heaven will obviously be renamed Tatooine and Luke Skywalker will be Jesus.

No problem with this - Sunday morning cinema sounds more fun than sitting in a cold church.

[MACI4LIFE]

Originally Posted by trippa

Barry's letter was cute & funny, but I am more interested in Pladecalvo's satirical madeup conversation. His misunderstanding of Christianity is quite apparent in this dialogue. God the Son voluntarily came to earth in the flesh as Jesus, who had the snot kicked out of him & died a cruel death for us while we were yet sinners, deserving a just punishment. We may have inherited a sin nature from Adam & Eve, but we do have free will to do good or to do bad. Jesus doesn't want anybody to kiss butt, but only for His ultimate creation, human beings, to respond to His love & sacrifice on our behalf. I am talking about having a personal relationship with the God who created & loves you with an everlasing love, not an impirical discussion. If you have or ever had a good girlfriend, I am quite sure that you did not require to know everything about her or absolute proof of her love for you before embracing this relationship. Also, I haven't seen any documentation or writing from anybody living at the time of Jesus who disputes the claims of Christ. Like any other relationship, there is an element of trust(faith), but if you or anyone else in all sincerity ask Jesus to come into your life as Lord & Savior, He will & you will know it, & you don't have to first 'leave town'.

i think you misunderstood the analogy. "Hank kicking someones ass", and "todays religious wars".

[MACI4LIFE]

Originally Posted by dr256

so instead of the Virgin Mary on the alter, there will a repeating hologram of Princess Leia and everyone will think Obi-Wan Kenobi is God?

I guess you could say Obi-Wan rose from the dead after his duel with Darth Vader. Heaven will obviously be renamed Tatooine and Luke Skywalker will be Jesus.

No problem with this - Sunday morning cinema sounds more fun than sitting in a cold church.

and Luke sacrificed his arm to his father!!!

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by MACI4LIFE

and Luke sacrificed his arm to his father!!!

And his father sacrificed all kind of bits and pieces for his religion

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by dr256

so instead of the Virgin Mary on the alter, there will a repeating hologram of Princess Leia and everyone will think Obi-Wan Kenobi is God?

I guess you could say Obi-Wan rose from the dead after his duel with Darth Vader. Heaven will obviously be renamed Tatooine and Luke Skywalker will be Jesus.

No problem with this - Sunday morning cinema sounds more fun than sitting in a cold church.

I second this motion Obi-Wan is god

[dr256]

Originally Posted by Surffrog

I second this motion Obi-Wan is god

Holy Pop Corn anyone?

[fighter954rr]

yes bread and wine can be replaced with popcorn and coke... saaawweeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeetttaaaaaaa!! !!!

[Surffrog]

Originally Posted by dr256

Holy Pop Corn anyone?

Yes please