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  Topic Review (Newest First)
06-13-2008 5:46 PM
Twincam
Re: Diaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by ghbzorro View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Twincam View Post
Bloody Snow Plowers!
Learn the language. If you are talking about the machine it is a "snow plow". If you are talking about the operator, and you are in the city, it is a "workie".
Oh do forgive me

Don't get me started on language - probably start off WW3!
06-13-2008 1:49 PM
ghbzorro
Re: Diaries

[quote=Twincam;685381]Bloody Snow Plowers! /quote]

Learn the language. If you are talking about the machine it is a "snow plow". If you are talking about the operator, and you are in the city, it is a "workie".
06-13-2008 1:22 PM
pladecalvo
Re: Diaries

BRITS REVOKE USA INDEPENDENCE


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except for Kansas, which she doesn't like).


Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
  1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
  2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by the suffix 'ise'.
  1. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary). Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
  2. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem, GOD SAVE THE QUEEN.
  3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
  4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
  5. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler.
  6. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
  7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
  8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left immediately.At the same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion tables.
  9. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
  1. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $15/US gallon. Get used to it.
  2. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called CRISPS. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with salt and vinegar.
  3. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
  4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
  5. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football. You call it soccer.
  6. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies .
  7. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
  8. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
  9. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
06-13-2008 10:08 AM
Twincam
Re: Diaries

Quote:
Originally Posted by pladecalvo View Post
DEAR DIARY,

August 12

Moved to our new home in Canada. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

May 10

Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in Canada.
Haha

Another good read! Grr Bloody Snow Plowers!
06-13-2008 1:31 AM
pladecalvo
Re: Diaries

DEAR DIARY,

August 12

Moved to our new home in Canada. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

October 14

Canada is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Polished up the Honda and went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. We love it here.

November 11

Remembrance day. Deer shooting season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here.

December 2

It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shovelled the driveway clear. We had a snowball fight. Then the snowplough came by and we had to shovel the driveway clear again. What a beautiful place. We love Canada.

December 12

More snow last night. Couldn't get the bike out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shovelling. Damn snowplough filled my driveway again.

December 22

More bloody snow fell last night. I have got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shovelling. I think the snowplough driver hides around the corner until I'm done shovelling just so he can fill the driveway again. Arsehole!!

December 25

Merry Christmas! More f***ing snow. If I ever get my hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snowplough, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the f***ing snow.

December 27

More snow last night. Been inside for three days now, except for shovelling out the driveway every time that f***ing snowplough goes past. Can't go anywhere, the bike is covered in a mountain of white s**t, and it's so frigging cold, The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the stuff again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches are?

December 28

That weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the f***ing white s**t this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplough got stuck in the road and the bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. I told him that I had already broken six shovels clearing all the snow he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke the f***ing shovel over his head.

January 4

Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get some food and on my way back a f***ing deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3000 damage to the car. Those f***ing beasts should be exterminated. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had shot them all last November.

May 3

Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that f***ing salt they put all over the roads.

May 10

Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in Canada.
06-12-2008 1:30 PM
ghbzorro
Re: Diaries

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Haa. Ha. So true.
06-12-2008 5:18 AM
LoopyLee
Re: Diaries

I like it
06-10-2008 5:43 PM
Twincam
Re: Diaries

- Nice Read...
06-10-2008 4:21 PM
pladecalvo
Diaries

HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to
meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day
long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but
he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested
that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't
say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him
if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had
nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't
explain his behaviour. I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you,
too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he
wanted nothing to do with me any more. He just sat there quietly, and
watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with
silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later,
he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made
love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were
somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm
almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.



HIS DIARY:
The bike wouldn't start today, but at least I got a shag.

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