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post #586 of 596 Old 06-08-2007, 3:18 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

Sinfuldragon's been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis.

One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants.

“No, thanks,” moans the girl. “You know I don’t smoke.”
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post #587 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 3:18 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

Had to share this one – Happy Monday!

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.



A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay , Jamaica . Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.

I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy?

She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."
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post #588 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 3:27 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

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Originally Posted by JeepinJeff View Post
Sinfuldragon's been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis.

One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants.

“No, thanks,” moans the girl. “You know I don’t smoke.”


DOH!!!!

DOH!!!!
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post #589 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 3:46 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

Quote:
Originally Posted by JeepinJeff View Post
Sinfuldragon's been dating the girl of his dreams for several months, but he’s been holding back his sexual advances because he’s worried she’ll notice his smaller-than-average penis.

One night they’re in his car, and he decides to finally make his move. After kissing for a while, he opens his zipper and guides her hand into his pants.

“No, thanks,” moans the girl. “You know I don’t smoke.”
fuker
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post #590 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 4:21 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

Q. Why does the Easter Bunny hide all his eggs?






A. He doesn't want anyone to know he's been ****ing the chickens.
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post #591 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 4:24 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

The Perfect Woman:

She's three feet tall, she's got a bald head and it's flat so you can put your beer on it.

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post #592 of 596 Old 06-11-2007, 4:36 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

Q: What did the sign on the door of the whorehouse say?






A: WE’RE CLOSED…BEAT IT.
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post #593 of 596 Old 06-13-2007, 12:53 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

A very successful lawyer named anologbear parked his brand new Porsche Carrera GT in front of the office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too close and completely tore off the driver's door. Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Porsche, with his lights flashing. But, before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically about how his Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how hard the body shop tries to make it new again. After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer. The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It got ripped off when the truck hit you!!!" "OH, MY GOD!" screamed the lawyer. "MY ROLEX IS GONE!"
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post #594 of 596 Old 06-13-2007, 1:07 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The director called him, hoping to get a contribution.


“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you’ve given not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”

The lawyer replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”

Embarrassed, the director mumbled, “Um…no.”

“Or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”

The stricken director began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted.

“ Or that my sister’s husband died in a car accident,” the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”

The humiliated director said simply, “I had no idea…” “So if I don’t give any money to them, why the hell would I give any to you?”
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post #595 of 596 Old 06-14-2007, 4:26 PM
 
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Re: JOKES

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“TWA!” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”

“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in Rome, The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it!”

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel! Well, it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the pope walked in. As I knelt down he spoke a few words to me.”

“What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get that shitty haircut?”
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post #596 of 596 Old 06-18-2007, 8:13 AM
 
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Re: JOKES

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties. He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”

The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband. The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”

The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties. And third of all, I’m not going to **** with anybody who can eat that much ice cream!”
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