I just NEED to put my thoughts down, and I can't put it on my own blog because too many real life people read it. But I need to write it down as I feel it raw.
Where do I begin? How does one who's known you intimately for this many years begin to say goodbye? How does one who's bumbling thoughts cannot begin to keep up with your brilliance begin to tell you it's over? Is there any other way to say it? It's over.
Oh god, I can't believe we didn't make it. Lord knows we've tried. We've fought through all the naysayers, all the dirty gossip, and all the haters. But in the end, we proved them right.
The sad thing is, it's my fault. Like our private joke, it's always my fault. Except this time, it really is.
We've shared so many wonderful moments together, memories that I will not only cherish, but imprint them into a part of my soul so that I may never forget - your soft loving touch, brushed against my cheeks. Your warm supple lips kissing the top of my forehead. The way you curl into a ball as you sleep in the crook of my arm. I will never forget.
I won't forgive you for loving me. The only person who thought I was made of something. The only person who saw through my facade, my manful pride, my boyish imp. You're the only person who's ever seen me cry, the only one who's wiped my tears away. You're the only one who knows the truth. Even my bestest friends have never seen the pain that I've shown you.
And you've accepted that. You've take me, warts and all, into your arms like a treasure chest of your favorite toys. You've given me the best years of your life; this is something I can never repay.
I am a simple fool. One who will look back at this and regret it. I've said time and time again, "I've never regretted a moment of my life." But now I'm not so sure. No, I'm sure. I'm going to regret letting you go.
It is so cliche, but there it is. It is for the best. It is simply for the best that I let you go. You've always said I was selfish, and you were right. I am selfish for holding on to you so long. I was selfish for keeping you so close all these years. I've always know this: I was and will never will be worthy of you.
I can see you cry now. I can hear you say "No. Don't go." and I want to listen. But for once in my life, I must not listen to your sweet gentle voice, the only person on earth who could stop me from being stupid.
Hell, I would have given up my joys in life to keep you from tears. You alone know how much I love my bike, and if giving it up would save our relationship, I would gladly stop. But it isn't that trivial, it isn't something I can easily fix.
Because we can't. Because I can't. Or maybe I won't. I don't know anymore. All I know is that things can't be the same, and won't be perfect. Even though the ache in my heart tells me to come back to you, I know it's better you don't take me back. I know it's best for you to leave me.
I am a simpleton. I am not as learned as you, but I know something you do not. You're strong. Stronger than the pain in your heart mirrored in my soul. Strong enough to move on.
/* added after posting
Yes, I'm scared, no less than you. As stupid as it sounds, it's like a man trying to enjoy playing soccer with one leg. How am I supposed to enjoy life when the only thing worth living for is gone? You've been a part of me for so long now, heck, need I say more?
But there it is, isn't it. If my penance is to have this everlasting hole in my heart where you should have been, then so be it. I pay gladly. Because to see you happy is to make my life complete, even if I feel empty.
I better stop now. I can no longer read the words that I'm typing. I'm beyond rationale. All I know is that I hurt, but you're not the medicine I need.
Goodbye baby. See you when I see you.
Be fast or be last.
Last edited by asiliat; 08-06-2004 at 11:56 AM.