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post #1 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 8:15 PM Thread Starter
 
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MEN

WARNING - Pure, unadulterated chauvinism below (but boy is it funny)


How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
---------------------------------------------------------------
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
---------------------------------------------------------------
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
--------------------------------------------------------------
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
--------------------------------------------------------------
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
---------------------------------------------------------------
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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post #2 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 9:16 PM
 
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Re: MEN

LMFAO !!!!!!!!!!!! the g/f loves them too......

I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
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post #3 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 10:47 PM
 
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Re: MEN

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post #4 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 10:54 PM
 
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Re: MEN

well, I guess I am a nerd... I thought by MEN you meant multiple endocrine neoplasia... I was waiting to see if it was MEN-I or II... If you have a pheo I'd love to take it out...

byebye
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post #5 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 11:19 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: MEN

Quote:
Originally Posted by TraumaOne
well, I guess I am a nerd... I thought by MEN you meant multiple endocrine neoplasia... I was waiting to see if it was MEN-I or II... If you have a pheo I'd love to take it out...
Dude - you need to get out more!
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post #6 of 9 Old 08-09-2005, 11:42 PM
 
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Re: MEN

Quote:
Originally Posted by TraumaOne
well, I guess I am a nerd... I thought by MEN you meant multiple endocrine neoplasia... I was waiting to see if it was MEN-I or II... If you have a pheo I'd love to take it out...
What about MEN 2a and MEN 2b?!

Yes, I must be a nerd also, as I just HAD to google this...

edit: oops, sorry for the threadjack conspiracy bwhip. I's seen some of those funnies you posted, but some were new - good stuff! BTW, is your wife sharing the same bed as you tonight?

Here in Oz
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post #7 of 9 Old 08-10-2005, 11:53 AM
 
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Re: MEN

Apparently I touched some nerves with some of my lady friends that I sent this to

Quote:
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.
-Carrie Snow-

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
-Rhonda Hansome-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
-Charlotte Whitton-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.
-Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man- if you want anything done, ask a woman.
-Margaret Thatcher-
Quote:
Q. How do you know if a man is sexually active?
A. He's breathing
Q.What is the difference between a man and E.T?
A. E.T phones home
Q.How do you get to a mans heart?
A.With an axe or a knife
Fact: Men are living proof women can take a joke

Q.What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A. A toilet doesn't follow you around after you've used it.
 

Q: What do you call a man that lost all of his intelligence?
A: A widow.

This guy was waiting in the doctor's office after having some tests done. The doctor returned from the laboratory and said:

"There's some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that you have brain tumor that not even our best expert can operate on. The good news is that this surgeon has just received a license to do a new brain transplant procedure that's never been tried before."

Luckily for the patient there had just been an road accident nearby, where unfortunately a young couple had been killed.

The doctor said, "You can have either the man's brain or the woman's brain. The man's brain is $1,000,000.00 and the woman's brain is $30,000.00."

The guy couldn't help asking why there was such a big difference in price between the male and female brain.

The doctor replied, "the female brain is used."


Once upont a time, at a perfect Christmas party, there was a perfect meeting between a perfect man and a perfect woman. They went on a perfect date, and after a perfect courtship, they celebrated a perfect wedding. Their life together was - of course - perfect.

Then, one snowy Christmas Eve, the perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a steep winding road. They noticed a man at the side of the road calling for help. Of course - being the perfect couple - they stopped to see if they could help.

There, at the side of the road, stood father Christmas, with a huge sack full of toys. The perfect couple - not wanting to destroy the magic of Christmas - bundles Father Christmas and his sack into their car, and drove off to start delivering the presents.

The driving conditions were poor, and only ten minutes down the road there was a serious car accident. Unfortunately, only one of the occupants survived.

 

Who was the survivor?

(Scroll down for the answer.)


 

Of course, the survivor was the perfect woman. Everybody knows that Father Christmas and a Perfect Man don't exist.

Women, finish here.
Men, keep Scrolling.


 

Well you seem if there is no perfect man and no Father Christmas, it must have been the woman that was driving. This would explain why there was a car accident. By the way, if you're a woman and you're reading this, this brings up another point: women never listen!
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post #8 of 9 Old 08-11-2005, 11:00 AM
 
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Re: MEN

Forgot these:

Quote:
As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
Quote:
What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing. You already told her twice.

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
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post #9 of 9 Old 08-11-2005, 11:14 AM
 
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Re: MEN

I've told this already but it's worth repeating:

Quote:
A man dies and goes to heaven. He meets God and God offers to answer any question that the man has. The man thinks and asks "God, why'd you make women smell so good?" God answers "So you'd like them." The man then asks "God, why'd you make their skin so soft?" God answers "So you'd like them." Finally the man asks "God, why'd you make women so dumb?" God answers "So they'd like you."

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