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post #1 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 7:24 AM Thread Starter
 
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New Rules for the New Year

New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the
football team is doing these days: mowing my lawn.

New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much
men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're
done.

New Rule: There's no such thing as flavored water. There's a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

New Rule: Stop frigging around with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that's square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.

New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," Oooh, you're a huge asshole.

New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't getting busted. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."

New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it's for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking up the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.
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post #2 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 8:01 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

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post #3 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 8:09 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

That's hott.
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post #4 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 8:30 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

the lucky bastards
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post #5 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 8:53 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Quote:
Originally Posted by ND4SPD
That's hott.
Piss off Paris
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post #6 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 9:10 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Friggin Hillarious!
did you come up w/ that or did you find it some place?
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post #7 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:01 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

that's priceless

And then there's this asshole...
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post #8 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:14 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Sell that vette it is making you mean

Must obey the sheep dog
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post #9 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:22 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Totally with ya on the hot teachers bit...

Z...

You're f%#&king up my Chi...
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post #10 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:24 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

I'm 395 months old.
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post #11 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:32 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Hilarious. I wish I could come up with stuff like that!
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post #12 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 10:47 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Heh...my chinese symbol tattoo is supposed to be the letter "P" for Paige but someone here at work told me it actually says "hat". Gotta love it.
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post #13 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 11:45 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

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post #14 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 11:59 AM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Quote:
Originally Posted by Firefly
Heh...my chinese symbol tattoo is supposed to be the letter "P" for Paige but someone here at work told me it actually says "hat". Gotta love it.
The tattoo above your ass says "hat"? That's either a huge fluke or the artist was an evil genius.

And then there's this asshole...
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post #15 of 20 Old 12-23-2005, 12:31 PM
 
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Re: New Rules for the New Year

Bill Maher. I always watch his show. Though I don't share all his "beliefs", he still makes me laugh!

Good Post!
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