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post #1 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:05 PM Thread Starter
 
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Facts about Chuck Norris

Facts about Cuck Norris
Quote:
>-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
>
> -Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
>
> -Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
>probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
> -If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck
>Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
>
> -Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
>unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
>finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
>back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
>should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
>the month.
>
> -Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are
>trademarked names for his left and right legs.
>
> -The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
>
> -To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris
>smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different
>kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes.
>Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
>
> -When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for
>Chuck Norris.
>
> -Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the
>JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his
>beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
>
> -Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
>
> -A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't
>you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured
>this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
>saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
>
> -When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
>includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
>Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
>
> -Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the
>first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
>
> -Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
>information he wants.
>
> -Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
>
> -Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always.
>
> -Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
>afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
>
> -Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't
>the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the
>worst mistake anyone has ever made.
>
> -Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
>Norris
>
> -A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
>handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
>belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
>there.
>
> -Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry,
>the man ate a ****ing Indian.
>
> -If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
>
> -Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him
>win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get
>out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4
>card from the game UNO.
>
> -As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away
>in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972
>Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional
>football history.
>
> -Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
>stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
>Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had
>gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to
>remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh
> away.
>
> -The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
>
> -Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
>removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
> kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
>
> -Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his
>own.
>
> -Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

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post #2 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:10 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

I already knew all that.

And then there's this asshole...
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post #3 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:25 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

More facts:
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck
Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.

Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead
decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he
grew a beard.

The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.

Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.

Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling,
"Bang!"

When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from
cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also
requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on
his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.

Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and
saying "booya".

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected
with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of
course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck
said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came
back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw
it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry
sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse
kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If
you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my
virginity.", then you are dead wrong.

Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put
razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way.

Compliments of the titanium one.
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post #4 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:29 PM
 
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Before the Boogeyman goes to bed, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Every dinosaur skull ever found has the imprint of a size 15 cowboy boot on its jaw. Scientists are baffled, but we know damn well why

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk, and kill.

Chuck Norris walks with somewhat of a limp; this is not the result of a stunt injury, as certain media accounts have insinuated, but because of his cumbersome rhinoceros balls.

CBRVFR used to be 6'5", that was until he downplayed the size of Chuck Norris' shoes. Chuck Norris then reduced CBRVFR to 5'0" with a roundhouse kick.

And then there's this asshole...
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post #5 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:32 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

And while we're at it, Vin Diesel facts:

If you rearrange the letters in Vin Diesel it reveals his credo: "I End Lives."

When Vin Diesel drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Vin Diesel allows to live.

There is no "I" in team. There are two "I"s in Vin Diesel. **** you, team.

When Vin Diesel goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Vin Diesel could use to kill you, including the room itself.

When Vin Diesel was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Vin Diesel!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Crop circles are Vin's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the **** down.

Vin Diesel once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

When Vin Diesel jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Vin instead.

Vin Diesel is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

Vin Diesel has two speeds: walk and kill.

Vin Diesel has always been able to find Waldo, except for one time. He found himself stumped on the last page of Where's Waldo Now?, not being able to find the Waldo without a shoe. He threw the book down and screamed, "This is BULLSHIT!" They're all wearing shoes." He then proceeded to eat the book and exclaim, "IF I CAN'T FIND WALDO, THEN NO ONE CAN!" The book he ate belonged to a child that he had borrowed it from. The child began to cry and Vin ate him for good measure. The incident has since been refered to as Christmas.

Vin Diesel is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Vin Diesel is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's ****.

Vin Diesel can divide by zero.

You are what you eat. That is why Vin Diesel's diet consists entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children

In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Vin Diesel, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him.
Vin Diesel can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Vin Diesel once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.

If you were to lock Vin Diesel in a room with a guitar, a year later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this Vin replied "Because Grammy's are for queers." Then
he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response

On his birthday, Vin Diesel randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun

Vin Diesel played Russian Roulete with a fully loaded gun and won.

Vin Diesel doesn't believe in rubber condoms. Instead, he sticks his penis in a girl, and uses that girl as a condom while ****ing another.

Vin Diesel was the hunter who shot Bambi's Mother. He then wore her carcass like it was a coat while he made his rounds at the local children's hospital

The eternal conundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object" was finally solved when Vin Diesel punched himself in the face.

Magnetic compasses do not point toward true North - they point in the direction of Vin Diesel. He just likes to sit on a lawn chair and shout, "Jackets are for pussies!" at the Acrtic researchers.

When Vin Diesel does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down

Whenever Vin Diesel puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno erupts behind him.

Vin Diesel invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

I have met Chuck, and he's about 5"6. So those dinosaurs have about a size 8 shoe print in their skulls. Maybe.

He used to have a karate studio in Torrance, and was the sensei of several friends of mine, including my wrestling coach. He used to give demonstrations at my high school.

Did I mention that he's really short?

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post #7 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:39 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

How about the Mr. T paradox:

Can Mr. T create a fool so foolish that even Mr. T couldn't pity the fool?

And then there's this asshole...
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post #8 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:44 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Quote:
Originally Posted by CBRVFR
Did I mention that he's really short?
Relative to what?


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post #9 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:49 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Quote:
Originally Posted by CBRVFR
I have met Chuck, and he's about 5"6. So those dinosaurs have about a size 8 shoe print in their skulls. Maybe.

He used to have a karate studio in Torrance, and was the sensei of several friends of mine, including my wrestling coach. He used to give demonstrations at my high school.

Did I mention that he's really short?
and thus ends the list of similarities

Must obey the sheep dog
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post #10 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 3:57 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Quote:
Originally Posted by sheepofblue
and thus ends the list of similarities

..other than a mutually held lingering resentment of tall people, yeah.


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post #11 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 4:01 PM
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Who's "Cuck" Norris?

"It is better to post and risk reposting than to have never posted at all."




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post #12 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 4:02 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Someone's moderating the hell out of me here. Haven't you ever heard of comic timing?

And then there's this asshole...
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post #13 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 4:16 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Rider
Who's "Cuck" Norris?
Which moderator changed the title of my thread!!! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO DID IT!!


#@(*[email protected]##'ers.

THAT'S IT!!! I'VE HAD IT~!! I'M LEAVING!!!!

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post #14 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 4:21 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Yeah, whoever did it better own up to messing with HD or I'm leaving too!!
Moderators should never be allowed to do anything other members can't.
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post #15 of 58 Old 01-04-2006, 4:32 PM
 
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Re: Facts about Cuck Norris

Chuck Norris would be roundhouse kicking mother f*cker's in the head for moderating his thread.

I believe riding, like life, is 10% what happens and 90% how you react.

Last edited by SJ96F3; 01-04-2006 at 4:59 PM.
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