Seeing as I missed the "everyone loves chuck norris" thread...
1. David Hasselhoff is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a
game of tennis.
2. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures David
Hasselhoff allows to live.
3. When David Hasselhoff drinks pee, his asparagus smells funny.
4. When David Hasselhoff was born, the nurse said, "Holy Cow! That's
David Hasselhoff!" Then she had sex with him. At that point, she was the
third girl he had slept with.
5. When David Hasselhoff goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe,
and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
6. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects David Hasselhoff
could use to kill you, including the room itself.
7. The popular videogame "Doom" is based loosely around the time Satan
borrowed two bucks from David Hasselhoff and forgot to pay him back.
8. David Hasselhoff can count backwards from infinity.
9. Crop circles are David's way of telling the world that sometimes corn
needs to lie the f**k down.
10. When David Hasselhoff jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get
wet. The water gets David instead.
11. David Hasselhoff can divide by zero.
12. In fine print at on the last page of the Guiness Book of World
Records it notes that all world records are held by David Hasselhoff,
and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come
to matching him.
13. David Hasselhoff is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put
up with lactose's sh1t.
14. David Hasselhoff has two speeds: walk and kill.
15. David Hasselhoff is the reason why Wally is hiding.
16. David Hasselhoff can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At
17. You are what you eat. That is why David Hasselhoff diet consists
entirely of bricks, steel, and the tears of small children.
18. David Hasselhoff once beat Super Mario Bros 3 without even touching
his Nintendo controller. He just yelled at his TV in between bites of
his "Filet of Child" sandwich, and the game beat itself out of fear.
19. David Hasselhoff played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and
20. If you were to lock David Hasselhoff in a room with a guitar, a year
later you would have the greatest album ever, it would sweep the
Grammy's. When asked why he doesn't do this David replied "Because
Grammy's are for queers."
Then he ate a knife to show the seriousness of his response.
21. On his birthday, David Hasselhoff randomly selects one lucky child
to be thrown into the sun.
22. When David Hasselhoff does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up,
he's pushing the Earth down.
23. Whenever David Hasselhoff puts out a cigarette, he throws it in slow
motion into a long line of gasoline and calmly walks away as an inferno
erupts behind him.
24. David Hasselhoff invented black. In fact, he invented the entire
spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
25. David Hasselhoff coined the phrase, "I could eat a Horse" after he
ate every last unicorn in existence.
26. David Hasselhoff haunts Freddy Krueger's nightmares.
27. The eternal connundrum "what happens when an unstoppable force meets
an immovable object" was finally solved when David Hasselhoff punched
himself in the face.