funny letter of complaint from UK - Honda Motorcycles - FireBlades.org
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post #1 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 12:24 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

a Brit apparently handled his complaint deftly
with his cable provider. True or not, it's pretty humorous. A friend did attempt to locate its source. The closest he came was at http://xpto.org/~dbcm/ntl-sucks.txt>, wherein it appears that the author of the letter has a bone to pick ...'ntl-sucks'... with NTL, a major UK cable provider.

Dear Cretins:

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your four-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, telephone, and alarm monitoring.During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service
which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative and seek to rectify these difficulties-- or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office.

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website. HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes --an activity at which you are no doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools -- such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.

Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over four weeks my modem arrived, six weeks after I had requested it -- and begun to pay for it. I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35% -- the hours between about 6 pm and midnight, Monday through
Friday, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection.

I have made nine calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals who are, it seems, also highly skilled bollock jugglers. I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be
transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answering machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman.And several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care. It's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music.

Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought British Telecom was ####; that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations; and that no one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there?

How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order. BT -- wankers though they are -- shine like brilliant
beacons of success in the filthy mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy.

Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver. Any such
activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief and will quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage.

I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat's litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit -- they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not
experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture.

Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day. May it be the last in your miserable short lives, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twits.

May you rot in Hell,

R S

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post #2 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 12:39 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Toffee nosed, malodorant perverts.....

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"There is a grey blur, and a green blur. I try to stay on the grey one..." - Joey Dunlop
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post #3 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 1:21 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

LMGDAO!!






...in bed.
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...you are trying to insult me, and I agree it is very easy to do, if you haven't sufficient respect for yourself. - Tolstoy
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post #4 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 3:37 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Nope, no way... that I could've said it better myself

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post #5 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 5:02 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Ooops, I just made the mistake of reading that while at work. It's amazing how many people turn around when an employee breaks into uncontrollable laughter.. That is just what I needed to get my weekend started on the right foot.

Dano

Dan
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post #6 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 7:36 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Funny! Only the Brits can bitch someone out so eloquently.




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post #7 of 13 Old 10-17-2003, 7:43 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Quote:
Denny : Funny! Only the Brits can bitch someone out so eloquently.
In my experience, none are better...




...in bed.
-------------------------------------

...you are trying to insult me, and I agree it is very easy to do, if you haven't sufficient respect for yourself. - Tolstoy
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post #8 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 11:07 AM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Removed post now I've sobered up a bit.

Couldn't find an emoticon that portrayed embarrassment.

PS very tough game but we England won. 25 - 6. Bonus is that my South African wife is not speaking to me.



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post #9 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 11:19 AM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

My father in-law (Brit) will spend hours composing the 'perfect' bitch letter....its almost a hobby with him....

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post #10 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 11:41 AM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK


'Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.'



OMG!!! I can't stop laughing, and I've only made it to that part!!!

Z...

You're f%#&king up my Chi...
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post #11 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 11:42 AM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Quote:
Baketech : My father in-law (Brit) will spend hours composing the 'perfect' bitch letter....its almost a hobby with him....
My former boss did that,
'poison pen letters' he called them...

Very funny stuff to read.

Z...

You're f%#&king up my Chi...
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post #12 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 12:24 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

Quote:
luvtolean : Quote (Denny @ Oct. 17 2003, 7:36pm) Funny! Only the Brits can bitch someone out so eloquently.
*In my experience, none are better...
And then...there's proto.




...in bed.
-------------------------------------

...you are trying to insult me, and I agree it is very easy to do, if you haven't sufficient respect for yourself. - Tolstoy
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post #13 of 13 Old 10-18-2003, 2:43 PM
 
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Re: funny letter of complaint from UK

OMG!!!!! That is seriously funny chit! I am at this moment wiping beer off of my keyboard...

Here in Oz
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