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post #46 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:02 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.

The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, "Stop being a scrote."

With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, "What is a scrote?"

Without missing a beat the lady responded, "Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole."
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post #47 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:03 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
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post #48 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:04 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.

One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.

He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, "There really is no justice in this world."

The other little old lady says, "What do you mean?"

The first little old lady says, "Look at that."

"When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it."

"When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it."

"When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it."

"When I was 40 years old, I asked for it."

"When I was 50 years old, I paid for it."

"When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it."

"When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it."

"And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!"
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post #49 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:06 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Seems that God was just about done creating the universe. The Lord had a couple of leftovers in his bag of creations, so he stopped by to visit Adam and Eve in the Garden. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to urinate while standing up. "It can be very handy," God explained to Adam and Eve. "Would either of you like that ability?"

Adam popped a cork. He jumped up and begged, "Oh, give that to me! It seems the sort of thing a man should be able to do. Please, Lord, let me have that ability. I would be forever grateful."

Eve just smiled and shook her head at Adam's display. She told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, then she really wouldn't mind if he were the one given the ability to urinate while standing up.

And so, the Lord gave Adam the ability to urinate while standing up. Then, He looked back into his bag of leftover gifts. "Now, what have we here? Oh, yes, multiple orgasms..."
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post #50 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:08 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Three elderly ladies are sitting on a park bench in Central Park. Suddenly, a man dressed in an overcoat appears from behind a tree. The man casually opens his coat and flashes the unsuspecting ladies.

Surprised, the first lady had a stroke. The second lady also had a stroke. The third lady, though, refused to touch it.
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post #51 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:08 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Question: What do the vacuum "dirt devil" and Viagra have in common?
Answer: They both put the power of an upright in the palm of your hand.
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post #52 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:11 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for a few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work. The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: "When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys."

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he sneaked into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told he he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom. When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the john.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhhhh!!!" she replied, "you'll wake-up my mother!"
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post #53 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:12 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm going to go back to paper."
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post #54 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:14 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.
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post #55 of 1433 Old 07-03-2008, 8:15 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do babies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex."

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey." The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry."
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post #56 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 4:33 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Airline Funnies!

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics any problem they had with the aeroplane during the
flight. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then explain in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken. The pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.

Here are some actual maintenance problems submitted by pilots and the solutions recorded by maintenance engineers.

By the way, this is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineer.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

- happy flying

What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

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post #57 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 4:41 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

LIVING IN 2008

You know you're living in 2008 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your mate who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses
6. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in
a business manner.
7. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "0" or "9" to get an outside line.
8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.
11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.
12. Contractors out number permanent staff and are more likely to get
long-service awards.

AND THE REAL CLINCHERS ARE .

13. You read this entire list, and kept nodding and smiling.
14. As you read this list, you think about emailing a copy of it to your "friends".
15. You are too busy to notice there was no No. 9
16. You actually check that there wasn't a No.9
17. AND NOW U R LAUGHING ON YOUR STUPIDNESS.. ;-)

What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

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post #58 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 4:53 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

More.. The Guys Rules

1. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.
3. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present.......again!
4. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
5. Anyone can buy condoms.
6. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
7. Dogs are better than ANY cats.
8. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit-food nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.
9. Your brother is an idiot, your ex-boyfriend is a tw*t and your Dad probably is too.
10. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
11. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
12. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, that would look good with your dress?
13. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
14. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
15. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
17. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
18. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay. Face it.
19. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
20. Consider Sport a mini-vacation from you. We need it, just like you do.
21. Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut blouses, tight tops, no jackets, chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
23. If you want some dessert after a meal - order some. You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like but don't say "No, I couldn't/shouldn't/don't want any" and then eat half of mine.



What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

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post #59 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 5:00 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Why Its Better To Be A Woman


We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.

We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.

When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it's sad.

We can wear platforms - which is why there is no such thing as a 'short
woman's complex'

We don't have to get our strength up between sessions, ...and it's much easier for us to get laid in the first place.

We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.

We never ejaculate prematurely.

We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.

Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous - they look like complete dicks in ours.

We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.

It's cool to be a daddy's girl. It's sad to be a mommy's boy.

We can cry and get off speeding fines.

The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts......and pool.....and football.

We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers..... men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.

We know that games are fun, but don't believe there's a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.

Taxis stop for us.

We get drunk quicker and cheaper.

We've never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.

It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a 'ruck' (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.

We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.

And finally... We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

Blade Rider

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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

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What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

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