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post #61 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:07 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Male language dictionary
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Can we have sex now?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay
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post #62 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:10 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Women vs Men
1. NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2. EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators. 3. MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale.
4. BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
5. ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
6. CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
7. FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
8. SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
9. MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
10. DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
11. NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
12. OFFSPRING
Ah, children.

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.
13. THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
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post #63 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:11 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, jack asses, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
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post #64 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:13 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies toilet".
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post #65 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:15 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp.
She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes.
The Genie said, "Nope ... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"
The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."
The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for... a good mate."
The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f****n' map!"
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post #66 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:17 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Woman's dictionary
1. "Fine"
This is the word women use at the end of any argument when they feel they are right but can't stand to hear you argue any longer. It means that you should shut up. (NEVER use "fine" to describe how she looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.)
2. "Five minutes"
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so women feel that it's an even trade.
3. "Nothing"
Nothing" means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine."
4. "Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows)
This is NOT permission; it's a dare! If you mistake it for permission, the result will be the woman will get upset over "Nothing" and you'll have a "five-minute" discussion that will end with the word "Fine."
5. "Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows)
This is NOT permission, either. It means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care." You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
6. "Loud Sigh"
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement. Very frequently misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are a complete idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing!."
7. "Soft Sigh"
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. It means she is momentarily content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe in the hope that the moment will last a bit longer.
8. "Oh"
This word -- followed by any statement - is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least two days. ("Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie). Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead," sometimes followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
9. "That's Okay"
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding what the penalty will be for whatever you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead." Once she has had time to plan it out, you are in for some mighty big trouble.
10. "Please Do"
This is not a statement, it is an offer. The woman is giving you the chance to come up with an excuse for what you have done. In other words, a chance to get yourself into even more trouble. If you handle this correctly, you shouldn't get a "That's Okay."
11. "Thanks"
The woman is thanking you. Don't faint and don't look for hidden meaning. Just say "you're welcome."
12. "Thanks A Lot"
"Thanks A Lot" is dramatically different from "Thanks." A woman will say "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It is usually followed by the "Loud Sigh." This signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing".
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post #67 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:20 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED CITIZEN.
2. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
3. She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
4. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is A PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
5. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
6. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
7. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
8. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
9. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
10. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
11. She does not have PREMIER LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
12. She is not a TWO-BIT SLAPPER - She is a LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER.
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post #68 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:20 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is FOLLICLY CHALLENGED.
5. He is not a CRADLE SNATCHER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.
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post #69 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:35 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

How to shower like a woman...
1) Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2) Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3) Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4) Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5) Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6) Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7) Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.
8) Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.
9) Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10) Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11) Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12) Scream loudly when your husband flushed the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13) Turn off shower.
14) Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15) Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16) Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails tweezers if found.
17) Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18) If you see your husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed
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post #70 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:35 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

How to shower like a man
1) Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2) Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo woo" sound.
3) Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your privates.
4) Get in the shower.
5) Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6) Wash your face.
7) Wash your armpits.
8) Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9) Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10) Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.
11) Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
12) Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13) Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14) Pee.
15) Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
16) Partially dry off.
17) Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.
18) Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19) Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20) Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21) Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed. Think about the old days and mutter just audibly "Why isn't my favourite shirt ironed?".
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post #71 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 6:46 PM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Male Date Rape Drug Warning . . .
Police warn all male clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting bar regulars to be more alert and cautious when accepting a drink offer from a girl.
There is a date rape drug going around called "beer," and it appears in liquid form.
The drug is being used by female sexual predators at parties to convince male victims to have sex with them.
"Beer," is available virtually anywhere.
All girls have to do is persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer," and simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex.
Men are rendered helpless against such attacks.
After several "beers," men will often succumb to performing sex acts on horrific looking women who they would never normally be attracted to.
Men often wake up after having "beer" with only hazy memories of what happened to them the night before, just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men might be conned into a familiar scam known as "a relationship" - apparently men are easier victims for this scam after the "beer" has been administered and they have already been sexually attacked.
If you fall victim to this insidious drug and the predatory women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discus the details of your shocking encounter in an open manner with a bunch of similarly affected guys.
For your nearest support group just look up 'Bars' in the yellow pages.
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post #72 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 8:34 PM
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

Two canibals are eating a clown. One turns to the other and asks, "Does this taste funny to you?"
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post #73 of 1433 Old 07-04-2008, 8:35 PM
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

What's the difference between a vacuum cleaner and a Harley?...The position of the dirtbag.
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post #74 of 1433 Old 07-05-2008, 4:04 AM
 
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

A guy walks into a bar and say's ouch !
post #75 of 1433 Old 07-05-2008, 4:24 AM
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Re: The Joke Thread.. ..

O'Malley hoisted his beer and said: "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" - and he took home the top prize for the best toast of the night.

In bed later that night, he told his wife: "Mary, I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, Paddy, what was your toast?"

So he told her: "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh," she said, "that is very nice, dear."

The next day, Mary ran into one of Paddy's drinking partners in the street. Mischievously, the man said: "Did you hear about your husband winning a prize in the pub the other night for a toast about you, Mary?"

She replied: "Aye - and I was a bit surprised. Till now, he's only been down there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".
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