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post #1 of 16 Old 11-20-2008, 3:47 PM Thread Starter
 
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The Worst Joke

Yes, the very worst, the bad-est, the eewwwwww-iest blond joke ever told that does not resort to toilet humor or adult theme. But bad enough that even SSB, the King of Groans, is going to have a hard time not choking.

If you continue to read consider yourself suitably warned.

FB

THE BLONDE MORTICIAN

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
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'So I just switched the heads.'

"Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici"
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post #2 of 16 Old 11-20-2008, 3:51 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Yup you was right !

It wasn't me, honest !
post #3 of 16 Old 11-20-2008, 4:01 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

good one.. haah..
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post #4 of 16 Old 11-20-2008, 6:31 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

you were right
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post #5 of 16 Old 11-20-2008, 11:12 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Another groaner.........

Grasshopper walks into a bar and gets up on a stool. Bartender says, "Hey I've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "Really, you've got a drink named Steve?"
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post #6 of 16 Old 11-21-2008, 12:55 AM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

hahaha, thats pretty good, the grasshopper one is pretty good too
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post #7 of 16 Old 11-21-2008, 1:03 AM
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Re: The Worst Joke

Here's a stinker:
What did the Spanish farmer say to his chickens?
Oh-lay!
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post #8 of 16 Old 11-21-2008, 5:40 AM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by globehopperz View Post
Another groaner.........

Grasshopper walks into a bar and gets up on a stool. Bartender says, "Hey I've got a drink named after you!"
Grasshopper says, "Really, you've got a drink named Steve?"

I used to manage a bar called Grsshoppers!!

Do, or do not, there is no try !
The mind is a funny thing

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post #9 of 16 Old 11-21-2008, 6:00 AM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Hey Jazzy was that bar in Amsterdam ?

It wasn't me, honest !
post #10 of 16 Old 11-21-2008, 6:33 AM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by [email protected] View Post
Hey Jazzy was that bar in Amsterdam ?
No mate not the 'infamous' cafe!!! It was in South Wales. Wierd thing was.....came to Lanza and there's one here !!!

Do, or do not, there is no try !
The mind is a funny thing

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post #11 of 16 Old 11-25-2008, 4:02 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.

He doesn't have much luck until, one day; he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old.

It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

Joe immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller,
'whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome.

It protects it from the rain.' And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents.
Naturally, they take the bike there.

But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says,
'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.
When we eat dinner, we don't talk.
In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes.
Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table,
and screws her right there, in front of her parents face.

His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid,
and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

He looks at her mom. 'She's got a great body,' he thinks.

So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table,
and has his way with her, every which way, right there on the dinner table.

Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts,

'All right, that's enough, I'll do the*damn' dishes!'*
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post #12 of 16 Old 11-25-2008, 6:13 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

sorry fellas don't know that many clean jokes.
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post #13 of 16 Old 11-25-2008, 6:22 PM
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Re: The Worst Joke

1. Two blondes walk into a building........ .. you'd think at least
one of them would have seen it

2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy
marijuana, press the hash key..."

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn't find any.

5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks
are too high."

6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him
in.

7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied "I know you
can't, I've cut your arms off".

8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.

9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the
craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your
kayak and heat it too.

10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his
head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. "That
sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." 'Is it common?' "It's not unusual."

13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is
there anything you can do for him?" "Well," said the vet, "let's have
a look at him". So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he
checks his teeth. Finally, the vet says, "I'm going to have to put
him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy".

14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck
up my backside." "...How's that?"
"Don't you start." (someone please explain this one to me lol!)

15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea.

17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you
give me a lift?" I said "Sure. You look great ... the world's your
oyster ... go for it."

18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or
my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu?
But I think its Colin.

19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The
other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

20. Police arrested two kids yesterday; one was drinking battery
acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let
the other one off.

21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving
today." They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking
Fine.' "So that was nice of them."

22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in
several places". The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore".
"Doctor, doctor when I bend my arm like this it hurts." "Well don't
do it!"

23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

I was young and stupid then. I'm old and stupid now.
We get too soon old, and too late smart.
I started off with nothing and still have most of it left.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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post #14 of 16 Old 11-25-2008, 6:32 PM
 
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Re: The Worst Joke

Nice one macca....

What you call a fish wth no eyes..fsh
what you call a fish with 3 eyes....fiiish

What you call a deer with no eyes...no idea
what you call a deer with no eyes and no legs...'still' no idea

Do, or do not, there is no try !
The mind is a funny thing

Jazzy's Blog
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post #15 of 16 Old 11-25-2008, 6:43 PM
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Re: The Worst Joke

Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzy View Post
Nice one macca....

What you call a fish wth no eyes..fsh
what you call a fish with 3 eyes....fiiish

What you call a deer with no eyes...no idea
what you call a deer with no eyes and no legs...'still' no idea
You seem in fine form today jazz.

I was young and stupid then. I'm old and stupid now.
We get too soon old, and too late smart.
I started off with nothing and still have most of it left.
A closed mouth gathers no feet.
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