My Dog is Not Rossi
Rumours that Valentino Rossi had been turned into a dog by extremist Biaggi fans were proven false today. The fears were originally aroused when ‘Fluffles’ owned by Mrs Margaret Higgleswick was seen in public flaunting a Rossi replica jumper and junior baseball cap.
Honda HRC were quick to respond to the fears by sending a mob of ‘heavies’ around to Mrs Higgleswick house to ‘knock her about a bit’ and steal back the canined Rossi.
“They just broke into my bloody house” explained a distressed Mrs Higgleswick. “They knocked down my door and started poking my eyes and kicking my shins, it was bloody annoying I can tell you. I tried to offer them a drink of tea but that just caused them to poke and kick even harder.”
“This is not the kind of ‘working over’ I like.” she continued, “Chloroform or a stun gun, now that’s the professional way to do it. But this was ham fisted and amateurish, not what I’d expect from the world’s largest motorcycle company, this was more of a ‘satellite Yamaha team's way.”
Eventually HRC were able to overpower Mrs Higgleswick and steal Fluffles where he was taken to a secret test track. “Our aim was to put him onto a RCV5 and record his lap time” explained some trumped-up bigwig from Honda. “We thought that even if Valentino had been turned into a dog he’d still retain some of his natural motorcycle ability and be able to post a competitive time.”
However Fluffles seemed more interested in licking his arse than grappling the controls of the factory Honda bike and slowly proceeded to wander around the track sniffing the grass. He finally completed a lap of the track, without the bike, in a time of 4 hours 27 minutes and 4 seconds - a time that would have put him 18th on the grid just ahead of the Kawasaki’s.
An official Honda timer told us, “We followed his progress around the track and data logged his performance. He lost a bit of time down back straight when he was sidetracked by a Pepperami wrapper that was blowing around and then also went wide through the chicane when he felt the urge to urinate on the Armco. But overall it was a good lap to say it was the first time he’d visited the circuit.”
Despite his efforts it was realised by HRC Honda that fluffles was indeed not Valentino Rossi and in fact just a dog in knitted Rossi shirt. Fluffles was immediately returned to Mrs Higgleswick.
“I’m just delighted to have the little bastard back.” She told us. “I tried to follow his progress on the BBC but they decided to re-run an old sitcom instead. That‘s the last time I‘ll ever pay my TV licence.”
When asked if she would now consider not supporting Rossi and Honda she told us “It would take more than serious bruising, permanently damaged eyesight and a few chipped bones to put me off! We just love ‘The Doctor’ and will continue following him forever.”
“Nibbles loves him too. He gets so excited when he sees the Repsol clad bike leading the race - he’s learnt by now that if there’s a Repsol bike in the lead then it will never be Nicky Hayden.”
“There was this one time when he got so excited when Biaggi fell off,” chuckled Mrs Higgleswick “that he chewed clean through an electrician extension lead and electrocuted his face! He suffered 40% facial burns and singed all the fur off his head! We laughed for hours afterwards!”.
Honda have officially apologised to Mrs Higgleswick and offered to pay for any corrective surgery needed. A spokesman for HRC said “You just cant take any chances these days.”