Some Hump Day humour to make the day better. - Honda Motorcycles - FireBlades.org
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post #1 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 9:24 AM Thread Starter
 
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Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Drawing a hard line

Ok folks, I have had it. I've taken all I can stands and I can't stands no more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men redecorating houses, talking about foreign concepts like "style", and "fixing" guys like myself. (If you haven't read it yet, go NOW and read Kim du Toit's "Pussification of the western male" essay.)
Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your ass, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hearby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement. (I googled retrosexual" and got a few references, but I hereby officially steal the phrase. Mweh!)


The Code

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE ******* DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with ****. Be it a flat tire, break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you ****ING DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap (possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "dealing with ****" portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors **** up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for poontang. Some is inevitable, but major re-invention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.



A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH ****. When you ****ed up, he DEALT with you. Buck up pussy.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a ****ing Windsor knot when wearing a tie (There, Contagion, that made up for the Hot Topic crack)

A Retrosexual does not strip naked, get into a sweat lodge, and bang on drums to bond with other guys. That **** is gay. However dressing in kilts, banging on drums around a campfire, and drinking heavily is just fine.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. (If not, he can borrow some from my friend Daniel, who has enough wound stories to last for 3 lifetimes)

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a damn nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual's asshole is an exit ramp on the road of life. Ladies, contrary to what Cosmo says, spontaneously sticking a finger back there is a good way to be launched off the bed (or if Hooters hotwings have been recently consumed, lose a finger). Make you a deal, we won't mess with yours unless you want us to, and you won't mess with ours period.

A Retrosexual will buy feminine hygiene products if he has to, but only under protest. This falls under unpleasant things you have to ****ing DEAL with. Get some Hagen-Daas while you’re at it.

A Retrosexual gives a lady his seat on the bus/subway/etc.

A Retrosexual does not order an apple martini at the bar. A Martini has ****ing gin and vermouth in it dammit. And maybe an olive. In fact, why not just get a beer and a shot of scotch??

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, or are trying to make up for a small penis. Massage and cunnilingus skills are the way to make up for a small penis, guns are ****ing TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL with ****. Plus it's just damned fun to shoot.
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post #2 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 9:40 AM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

tie a tie? i don't even own one.

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post #3 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 9:50 AM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by freq
tie a tie? i don't even own one.
I own a couple, but they sit in the closet 'cuz I can't tie 'em

That a was pretty amusing read
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post #4 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 1:23 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

I must admit: I don't know how to tie a windsor knot.
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post #5 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 1:55 PM
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Heavy-Dee
I must admit: I don't know how to tie a windsor knot.
I prefer the half windsor myself.Link.

Life always looks better through bugs on a face shield.
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post #6 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 2:16 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by cbr99xx
I prefer the half windsor myself.Link.
Ditto. Hope that doesn't make me a metrosexual.



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post #7 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 2:50 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

I've lived by those rules all my life. I thought that was the only way, and I thought every guy knew that. Why do they have to be printed out in a forum like this...I mean isn't it genetically obvious?

Official Racer Dude Guy, according to a neighborhood 6 year old.
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post #8 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 4:00 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.


Do unto others, before some prick does it to you!

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post #9 of 15 Old 01-21-2004, 4:08 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.



What's a wound?
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post #10 of 15 Old 02-18-2004, 7:48 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

19 for 22 here......guilty as charged....

The 3 that I missed...
I own no camo....
I occasionally watch Will & Grace....
I can tie a tie...
(That one was wrong by the way....a man can tie a tie...)

Sith Apprentice
CBR929 - VFR800 - VFR800
"There is a grey blur, and a green blur. I try to stay on the grey one..." - Joey Dunlop
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post #11 of 15 Old 02-18-2004, 10:09 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnnycrash
Quote:

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.



What's a wound?
Dude, haven't you ever heard "chicks dig scars?"
(since you own a dirtbike, I'll assume you're joking)

Last edited by Serial Thriller; 02-18-2004 at 10:10 PM.
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post #12 of 15 Old 02-18-2004, 10:19 PM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ND4SPD
I own a couple, but they sit in the closet 'cuz I can't tie 'em

That a was pretty amusing read
Use the link above and tie them all. Just loosen them and slip them over your head. That way you never have to tie them again.
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post #13 of 15 Old 02-19-2004, 1:48 AM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by smkeatr
Use the link above and tie them all. Just loosen them and slip them over your head. That way you never have to tie them again.
That's a man's way.....

I still have tie that I had to wear back in HS, still tied My fav... MY screw you tie, it has a picture of a screw in front of a "U" so it looks like a nice tie until you get close and read it.
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post #14 of 15 Old 02-19-2004, 2:43 AM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

I missed out only 1 - And that's the hunting. The only **** I know how to kill would be people and fish; the people is only theoretical. Ok, I'll admit to a second one if you include Will & Grace as watching tv with Queer in the title.

edit: 2 comments.
1 - go phucking learn to tie a tie.
2 - I think there should be another entry in there about the superbowl. I had to pull teeth to get the guys together to watch the game and play poker this year! They "don't like football" and "don't know how to play poker"... WTF is that?!

Jordan H.
The three most feared words in racing, "Powered by Honda".

Last edited by nomad; 02-19-2004 at 2:45 AM.
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post #15 of 15 Old 02-19-2004, 7:28 AM
 
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Re: Some Hump Day humour to make the day better.

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old (Yes, Contagion, I'm lookin' at you)


mean to tell me that I only have a month left with my retro 80s nintendo/metroid shirt?

I always shop the half off weekends out of the 50%off pile. Its a shirt for $7

So deal with it!!

I am glad to say that I am almost perfect retroguy myself
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