Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story - Honda Motorcycles - FireBlades.org
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post #1 of 12 Old 02-23-2011, 8:12 AM Thread Starter
 
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Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased

his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked

my interest.

The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little

something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a

100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer.

The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no

long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time

to retreat to safety....??



WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.



I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the

button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get

the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



AWESOME!!!



Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on

the face of her microwave.



Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it

couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, right?



There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting

little soul)while I was reading the directions and thinking that I

really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.



I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a

second) and then thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if

I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a

mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I

wrong?



So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading

glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one

hand, and tazer in another.



The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient

your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms

and a major loss of bodily control; and a three-second burst would

purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of

water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the

batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"

long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference (loaded with two itsy, bitsy

AAA batteries); pretty cute really, and thinking to myself, 'no possible

way!'



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best ...







I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one

side so as to say, 'Don't do it stupid,' reasoning that a one second

burst from such a tiny lil ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I

decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched

the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ...



HOLY MOTHER OF.. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE ....!!!



I'm pretty sure Hulk Hogan ran in through the side door, picked me up in

the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and

over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position,

with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles

nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest

position, and tingling in my legs!



The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to

a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to

avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one

note of caution: there is NO such thing as a one second burst when you

zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged

from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor! A three second

burst would be considered conservative!



A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at

that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and

surveyed the landscape.



My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The

recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally

was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My

face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip

weighed 88 lbs.. I had no control over the drooling.



Apparently I had crapped in my shorts, but was too numb to know for

sure, and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my

head, which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my

testicles and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!



P.s... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift

and now regularly threatens me with it!



If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!




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post #2 of 12 Old 02-23-2011, 11:01 AM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

LOL
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post #3 of 12 Old 02-23-2011, 8:02 PM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Another Darwin Aware nominee.
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post #4 of 12 Old 02-23-2011, 8:21 PM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

This is a pretty old story aha. I read this one quite awhile back. Still good for a chuckle though.
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post #5 of 12 Old 02-23-2011, 11:18 PM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

lol!!!
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post #6 of 12 Old 02-24-2011, 12:19 AM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Laughed so hard I actually snorted! I'm just getting my eyes dried now.

Whew, I needed that thanks.
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post #7 of 12 Old 03-09-2011, 6:12 PM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

ABSOLUTELY CLASSIC, never laughed so hard for a long time
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post #8 of 12 Old 03-09-2011, 9:17 PM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Hahaha, best story ever!
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post #9 of 12 Old 03-10-2011, 8:32 PM Thread Starter
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Brought a smile to folks faces....good




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post #10 of 12 Old 03-11-2011, 2:25 AM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Read it somewhere before buy still good for a damn good laugh

What you leave behind is not what is engraved on stone monuments, but what is woven into the lives of others - Pericles

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post #11 of 12 Old 03-11-2011, 2:34 AM
 
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story

Quote:
Originally Posted by LoopyLee View Post
Read it somewhere before buy still good for a damn good laugh
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post #12 of 12 Old 03-11-2011, 9:58 AM
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Re: Made me laugh (enjoy)...tazer story


If you don't stand for something, then you'll fall for anything. The proverbial "trick", is not to follow anyone elses idea of reality. Be an individual. The future belongs to those who prepare for it.
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