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post #1 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 5:25 AM Thread Starter
 
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2012 Olympics

Got this sent to me at work...

OPENING CEREMONY


The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof
of the stadium.

THE EVENTS


In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.

100 METRES SPRINT


Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be
released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES


As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)

HAMMER


Competitors in this event may choose the type of hammer they wish to use
(claw, sledge etc) the winner will be the one who can cause the most
physical damage within three timed attempts.

FENCING


Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in
5 minutes.

SHOOTING


A strong challenge is expected from local men in this event. The first
target will be a moving police van. In the second round, competitors
will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor-style
Cash-in-transit guard. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in
this event by a choice of either a Mac 10 or Sawn-off 12-bore shotgun.

BOXING


Entry to the boxing will be restricted to husband and wife teams, and
will take place on a Friday night. The husband will be given 15 pints of
lager while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets
home. The bout will then commence.

CYCLING TIME TRIALS


Competitors will be asked to break into the University bike shed and
take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first
trip away from home. All against the clock.

CYCLING PURSUIT


As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the
Australian rugby team, who will witness the theft.

MODERN PENTATHLON


Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding,
arson and generally hanging around.

SWIMMING EVENTS


All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels, once one
is found that can support human life, swimming events will be organized.
Please note that the Synchronized Swimming event for this year will
comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the
pool, the specific musical support to this event will be provided by
"The Verve".

THE MARATHON


A safe route has yet to be decided.

MEN'S 50KM WALK


Unfortunately this will have to be cancelled as the Police cannot
guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of East London ,
especially anyone that appears to be mincing.

THE CLOSING CEREMONY


Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the
Stratford Health in the Community anti-drug campaigners, synchronized
rock throwing, and music by the Ilford community choir featuring the So
Solid Crew.

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the
inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism
club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
heating boiler.
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post #2 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 6:46 AM
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Many a true word spoken in jest.

We're still recovering from the rampages of the last week, it was bad enough in Manchester, God knows what London ws like. I'm in two minds about the 'riots'. On the one hand I'm angrier than Hell that the police seem so impotent to face down the hoodies (but can fully man the cash gathering speed traps). On the other hand, I can see the kids point. They get even more harrasment than a biker with loud pipes and small numberplate, they kicked back, and got a few Nike trainers as well.
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post #3 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 7:16 AM
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdugen View Post
Many a true word spoken in jest.

We're still recovering from the rampages of the last week, it was bad enough in Manchester, God knows what London ws like. I'm in two minds about the 'riots'. On the one hand I'm angrier than Hell that the police seem so impotent to face down the hoodies (but can fully man the cash gathering speed traps). On the other hand, I can see the kids point. They get even more harrasment than a biker with loud pipes and small numberplate, they kicked back, and got a few Nike trainers as well.
B.S. Sorry mate but there is no absolutely no excuse for setting peoples homes on fire whilst they are still inside

I didn't have money as a kid but I didn't go around being disrespectful to any one elses property, vehicles etc.

Do, or do not, there is no try !
The mind is a funny thing

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post #4 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 8:18 AM
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

You had a future, they don't.
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post #5 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 9:11 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Protest by all means but the rioting and looting and whatever else, there's no excuse for it. That's just criminal behaviour.
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post #6 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 10:40 AM
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Quote:
Originally Posted by jdugen View Post
You had a future, they don't.
Why don't they ? And where have all these extra people come from that don't have a future, seeing how 90% of the rioters/looters were black or coloured people. They're not indigenous of the British Isle's now are they.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dangerous Des View Post
Protest by all means but the rioting and looting and whatever else, there's no excuse for it. That's just criminal behaviour.


The Police have become soft through years of laws being made or changed with reference to Racism, and now they cannot touch anyone for anything. This has filtered down into teenagers and now children who now know the law cannot do much about anything, so if you're a coloured person or a kid you can do pretty much what you want it would seem.

UK should of taken a leaf out of Australia's book ! No feckin about there !

Do, or do not, there is no try !
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post #7 of 8 Old 08-12-2011, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Quote:
Originally Posted by jazzy View Post
UK should of taken a leaf out of Australia's book ! No feckin about there !
I bloody well hope so!
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post #8 of 8 Old 05-08-2012, 11:21 PM
 
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Re: 2012 Olympics

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dangerous Des View Post
Got this sent to me at work...

OPENING CEREMONY


The flame will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the
area, in the traditional dress of balaclava and shell suit. The flame
will be contained in a large overturned Police van situated on the roof
of the stadium.
THE EVENTS


In previous Olympic Games, East London 's competitors have not been
particularly successful. In order to redress the balance, some of the
events have been altered slightly to the advantage of local athletes.
100 METRES SPRINT


Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one in
each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol, a Police dog will be
released from a cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 METRES HURDLES


As above but with added obstacles (i.e. car bonnets, hedges, garden
fences, walls etc)
...

The flame will be extinguished by police riot water cannon following the
inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham organised hooliganism
club. The stadium itself will then be boarded up before the local
athletes break into it and remove all the copper piping and the central
heating boiler.
Nice, flame. It will be very interesting.

Last edited by bladeracer; 05-09-2012 at 2:27 AM.
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