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A big-city California lawyer went duck hunting in rural Texas. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, 'I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it.'
The old farmer replied, 'This is my property, and you are not coming over here.'

The indignant lawyer said, 'I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.'

The old farmer smiled and said, 'Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Texas. We settle small disagreements like this with the Texas Three-Kick-Rule.'

The lawyer asked, What is the Texas Three-Kick-Rule?.'

The farmer replied, 'Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up.'

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on this belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, 'OK, you old coot! now, it's my turn.' The old farmer smiled and said, 'No I give up, you can have the duck.
 

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dude, if i were eating breakfast when I was reading that I would have spewed all over the screen. But, since I wasn't i just shot snot out of my nose
 

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And just to be the first to post a REALLY bad joke..

How many ninjas does it take to change a light globe?

NONE!! Ninjas are not afraid of the dark!

Z...
 

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WOO HOO! Jokes are back!
 

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Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.

Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,'Mama! I have someone for you to
meet.'

Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains.

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands; nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.

Looking at her he asks, 'Why the black panties?'

She replies, 'My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.'

Now he knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit except that he has a black condom over his erection.

She looks at him and asks, 'What's with the black condom?'

He replies, 'I want to offer my deepest condolences
 

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A Chinese couple named Wong had a new baby. The nurse brings them over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, definitely Caucasian white baby boy!

'Congratulations', says the nurse to the new parents.  'What will you name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong'.
 

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Here's one of many to come!!
****************************************8

An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they
decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing
was wrong with them.

When they arrived at the doctor`s, they explained to the doctor about
the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the
couple out, the doctor tells them that they were physically okay but
might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them
remember things.

The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while
watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asks, 'Where
are you going?'

He replies, 'To the kitchen.' She asks, 'Will you get me a bowl of ice
cream?'

He replies, 'Sure.' She then asks him, 'Don`t you think you should
write it down so you can remember it?'

He says, 'No, I can remember that.'

She then says, 'Well I also would like some strawberries on top. You
had better write that down because I know you`ll forget that.'

He says, 'I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with
strawberries.'

She replies, 'Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you
will forget that so you better write it down.'

With irritation in his voice, he says, 'I don`t need to write that
down! I can remember that.' He then fumes into the kitchen.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a
plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and says angrily: 'I TOLD you to
write it down! You forgot my toast!'
 

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Dick has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally
sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in
Vermont as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a
week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it`s total peace and
quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he`s finishing
dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a
big, bearded Vermonter standing there.

'Names Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having
a party Saturday... thought you`d like to come.'

'Great,' says Dick, 'after six months of this I`m ready to meet some
local folks. Thank you.'

As Enoch is leaving he stops, 'Gotta warn you there`s gonna be some
drinkin`.'

'Not a problem... after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink
with the best of `em.'

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. 'More `n` likely gonna be
some fightin` too.'

Damn, Dick thinks. Tough crowd. 'Well, I get along with people. I`ll
be there. Thanks again.'

Once again Enoch turns from the door. 'I`ve seen some wild sex at
these parties, too.'

'Now that`s not a problem' says Dick, 'Remember I`ve been alone for
six months! I`ll definitely be there... by the way, what should I
wear?'

Enoch stops at the door again and says, 'Whatever you want, just gonna
be the two of us.'
 

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This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food. She puts the
bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs. She
reads the sign on the box...and it says....'Snatch Eating Frogs..$20
each (comes with instructions)'

She looks around to see if anybody`s watching her and whispers to the
man behind the counter... 'I`ll take one.' He packages up a frog. The
woman grabs her dog food and is on her way home. She gets home, takes
out the instructions and reads them carefully, doing exactly what it
says to do. 1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume. 2.
Put on a very sexy teddy. 3. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put
the frog down 'there'.

To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent
she chose is not appealing to the frog. So, she showers again and
tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between
her legs and...nothing. She`s totally frustrated and pissed off at
this point. She reads the instructions again thinking that there might
be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper is says, 'If
you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.'

So, she does. The man from behind the counter says, 'I`ve had a few
complaints earlier today, I`ll be right over.' After the man got to
her house the woman says, 'See, I`ve done everything according to the
instructions and the damn thing just sits there.' The man, looking
very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and
says,

'I`M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!'
 

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A successful gyneocologist decided one day he was bored with doing and seeing
the same thing everyday... He'd always secretly wished he could work all day at
his first love - wrenching on old cars. He had plenty of money in the bank, and
had made a lot of money on some good investments, so he determined now was the
time!
He first enrolled in a school to relearn the basics of being a mechanic. He was
in heaven! Towards the end of the course, the instructor gave each of the
students a final test - take an engine apart, down to the last nut and bolt,
then put it back together again. The big day came, and the former OB-GYN was
ready.
The next day, he received his test score and was shocked to see 150%.
'Wow! I've never scored that high on a test before. How can this be possible?'
He approached the instructor and said humbly 'Thank you for the generous score
on my final, but - why is it so high?' The instructor slapped him on the back
and said, 'Well, I gave you 50% for dismanteling the engine, 50% for putting it
back together again - which you did very well, by the way. And I gave you the
additional 50% for doing it all through the tailpipe!'
 

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Bob received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully grown with a bad
attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that
weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Bob tried hard to change the
bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,
anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked. He
yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got
angry and more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, Bob put the parrot in the freezer. For a
few moments he heard the bird squawking and cursing -- and then suddenly there
was quiet. Bob was afraid he had actually hurt the bird and quickly opened the
freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Bob's extended arm and said:
'I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions and ask
for your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.' Bob was
astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made
such a drastic change when the parrot said: 'Sir, may I ask what the chicken
did?'
 

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Three Hermits inhabited a cave and rarely spoke. One day a horse wandered
into their abode.
' That was a pretty brown horse,' the first hermit said more than an year later.

After another year passed, the second hermit said,' It was white, not
brown.'
Two years later, the third hermit piped up,' If there's going to be this
constant arguing, I'm leaving.'
 

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In a recent FDA study, United States government doctors, conducting studies on new drugs, administered weekly doses of VIAGRA to an equal number of doctors and lawyers. While the majority of the doctors achieved enhanced sexual prowess, the lawyers simply grew taller.

The US government researchers are at a loss to explain.
 

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A man was stopped by a game-warden in Texas recently with two buckets of fish, leaving a lake well known for its excellent fishing.
The game warden asked the man, 'May I see your fishing license, please?'
The man replied to the game warden, 'Oh, I don't have a fishing license, officer.  I wasn't fishing.  These are my pet fish.'
'Pet fish?!!' the game warden replied.
'Yes, sir.  Every night I take these here fish down to the lake and first, I let them swim around for a while.  Then I whistle and they jump back into their buckets and I take 'em home.'
'That's a bunch of hooey!  Fish can't do that.'
The man looked at the game warden for a moment, then said, 'Here, I'll show you.  It really works.'
'O.K.  I've GOT to see this!'  The game warden was very curious now.
The man poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.  After several minutes, the game warden turned to the man and said, 'Well.'
'Well, what?' the man responded.
'When are you going to call them back?'  The game warden prompted.
'Call Who back?'  The man asked.
'THE FISH.'
'What fish?'  The man asked.
 

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Good to see you made it over jokemaster Alan.
 

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A man is waiting for his wife to give birth.  The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms, or legs.  The son is just a head!  But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.

After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink.  Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him.  Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.  With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.  Swoooop!  A torso pops out!  The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy.

The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, 'Take another drink'!  The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.  Swoooop!  Two arms pop out.  The bar goes wild.

The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.  The patrons chant, 'Take another drink'!  The bartender ignores the whole affair.  By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.  Swoooop!  Two legs pop out.  The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.  The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....  then to the right....  right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly.  The bar falls silent.  The father moans in grief.

The bartender sighs and says, 'I knew it.  That boy should have quit while he was a head.'
 
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