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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
The Penguin Road Trip.. ..

A penguin is on a road-trip, driving across the USA. Somewhere in Arizona he notices that the car's oil-pressure light is on.

He gets out looking and sees oil dripping out of the motor, so drives slowly and carefully to the nearest town and stops at the first garage.

"I'll take a look," says the mechanic, "come back in an hour". So the penguin goes for a walk around town, feeling a little hot under the blazing sun. He soon sees an ice cream shop, and being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big cone of vanilla ice cream and sits down under the shade of a tree to eat. But, having no opposable thumbs, he makes a real mess trying to eat the ice cream with his little flippers, and gets more of it around his mouth and down his chin than he manages to actually eat. After finishing his ice cream, he wanders back to the garage where he meets the mechanic, wiping his hands on an oily rag.

The mechanic looks over at the penguin and says, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"Oh no, no, you're mistaken" the penguin replies, frantically wiping his mouth in embarrassment, "it's just ice cream."

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 

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Discussion Starter #2
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"
"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something
comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
 

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Discussion Starter #3
PMT.

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his very life into his own
hands!

This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in
the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: What did I do wrong?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you anything else?
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some chocolate.

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRASAFE: Here, have some more chocolate.

13 Things PMS Stands For:

1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff........
And my favorite one...
13. Potential Murder Suspect

Another thing to giggle about... My significant other, not happy with
my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so ! he would be
able to monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns green.
When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red mark on his forehead..Maybe
next time he'll buy me diamonds.
 

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The M1 walks into a pub, bustling and shoving people out of the way, slams a tarmac fist down on the bar and demands a pint of lager. "Lager now! I'm the hardest stretch of road there is and I want lager! I've got eight lanes, two rock hard shoulders, a tasty central reservation and more bridges than I know what to do with".
"OK, mate", says the barman, "You're a big fella, no-one's disputing that and no-one wants any drama - one pint o' lager coming up".
"'Bout time...". The M1 collects his pint and rumbles into a booth in the corner, muttering expletives and staring out the other patrons.

Five minutes later, the A27 dual carriageway breezes in - "Evening Barman, I think I'll have a...
"F*CK OFF!" screams the M1 from the corner of the bar, leaping up and approaching the bar. "P*ss off, ye soft, narrow, southern gett - mekkin me sick.."
The A27 beats a hasty retreat and rolls off down the street while the M1 returns to his booth, muttering darkly, cats eyes flaring. "F*ckin M1, me..."

Five minutes later a long thin strip of red tarmac wanders in and heads towards the bar. The barman starts to panic, expecting a major traffic incident. The other patrons edge towards the door but then they notice the M1 eyes down, shaking in the booth, fiddling with beer mats and chain smoking.
The red strip orders a G&T, quaffs it neatly, "Cheers, guv", and heads out the door.

Later, the barman's wandering round the bar collecting glasses and comes to the M1's table. "Thanks for not causing any bother there, mate - much appreciated".
The sheepish-looking M1 says: "I'm not messin' with 'im, he's a f*ckin' cycle path".
 

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Discussion Starter #5
The Birds and the Bees

Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really sh*g each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 

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The Mermaid And A Cow...There was a mom, a dad, and three sons. The mom
wakes up one morning
and finds that their family cow was dead out in the pasture. She
thought that there was no reason for living and no way to feed her
family, so she hung herself. The dad wakes up and sees that his wife
hung herself and that the family cow was dead out in the pasture. He
thought that there was no reason for living and no way to feed his
family, so he shot himself. The oldest son wakes up sees that his mom
hung herself, his dad shot himself, and the family cow was dead out
in the pasture. He thought that there was no reason for living, so he
went to the river to drown himself. While he was there he saw a
mermaid. The mermaid said, "I will make everything back to normal, if
you can shag me 5 times." He gets up to the 4th time and could no
longer go on, so she drowns him in the river. The middle son wakes up
and sees that his mom hung herself, his dad shot himself, his older
brother drowned himself, and the family cow was dead out in the
pasture. He though that there was no reason for living and he goes to
the river to drown himself. While he was there he saw the mermaid.
The mermaid said, "I will make everything back to normal, if you can
shag me 10 times." He gets up to the 7th time and could no longer go
on, so she drowned him in the river. The youngest son wakes up and
sees that his mom hung herself, his dad shot himself, his older
brothers drowned themselves, and the family cow was dead out in the
pasture. He thought that there was no reason for living, so he went
to the river to drown himself. While he was there he saw a mermaid.
The mermaid said, "If you can shag me 20 times, I will make
everything better." The boy said, "How about 25?" The mermaid
said, "That sounds alot better." The boy said, "How about 30?" The
mermaid said, "That sounds the best so far." The boy said, "But how
do i know that what happened to the cow won't happen to you?!?"
 

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Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered
over the fence. Interested in what the rosy-cheeked youngster was up to,
he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Timmy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, "and I've
just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish,
isn't it?"

Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your freakin' cat!"
 

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Discussion Starter #8
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and went downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. “Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?" "Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have got out today."
 

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Discussion Starter #9
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, ' Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile. "Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself." "BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."

"CASE DISMISSED!!"
 

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Discussion Starter #10
There was this couple who had been married for 20 years.
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on turning off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down. and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device! Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy if you explain the kids."
 

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Discussion Starter #11
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went
straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother
and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her
grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on
Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100-years-old
having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced
age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would
start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even.
Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She
paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice
cream truck hadn't come along."

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 

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A few days ago I was having some work done at the local Ford Dealership. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one." She said that she did not know what it was but this piece had always been there.

He gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car, which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it's right there!"
Pointing to the upside down OIL cap
 

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Su Wong marries Lee Wong The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings to them a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, white baby boy!

"Congratulations," says the nurse to the new parents."What will you name the baby?"

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,"Well, two Wong s don't make a white, so I think we will name him Sum Ting Wong."
 

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An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."



 

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On the farm lived a chicken an a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for the farmer had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his old fella and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life. The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there is a moral!) "When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
 

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A biker stops by the local Harley Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil. He stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home.

While he is scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. I would walk you home but I can't carry this lot." The old lady suggested, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in the other hand?" "Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says, "Let's take my shortcut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and shag me?"

The biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, two chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?" The lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
 

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Eight-Foot Long Douglas Fir 2X4 - used for levering a bike upright after using a hydraulic jack on the bike.
Hydraulic Bike Jack/Platform - ingeniously-designed tool for flipping bikes onto their sides, usually when you're alone in the shop.
Wire Wheel - cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Hand me 'nother beer, Bubba!"
Drill Press - a tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against the Pamela Anderson poster over the bench grinder.
Oxy Acetylene torch - used almost entirely for lighting those stale garage cigarettes you keep hidden in the back of the Whitworth socket drawer (What wife would think to look in there?) because you can never remember to buy lighter fluid for the Zippo lighter you got from the PX at Fort Campbell.
Vice-Grips - used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
Electric Hand Drill - normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling roll-bar mounting holes in the floor of a sports car just above the brake line that goes to the rear axle.
Mechanic's Knife - used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing leathers or bike covers.
Hammer - originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive chrome scooter parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
Tweezers - a tool for removing wood splinters.
Phone - tool for calling your neighbor Bubba to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. • Snap-On Gasket Scraper - theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z Out Bolt and Stud Extractor - a tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
Two-Ton Hydraulic Engine Hoist - a handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and hydraulic clutch lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. Almost capable of lifting a Gold Wing off the floor.
Craftsman 1/2 x 16 Inch Screwdriver - a large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
Battery - electrolyte Tester A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from scooter battery to the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as a doornail, just as you thought. • Hacksaw - one of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
Trouble Light - the mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin", which is not otherwise found in garages at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
Air Compressor - a machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty suspension bolts last tightened 40 years ago by someone in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, and rounds them off.
Phillips Screwdriver - normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads.
Timing Light - a stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease buildup on crankshaft pulleys.
 

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A minister was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas.
After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch my lips." The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too I didn't know we had a choice."
 

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Nick the Dragon Slayer had a long-standing obsession to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts, but he knew the penalty for this would be death. One day he revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician exclaimed that he could arrange for Nick the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it. Without pause, Nick the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Nick the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Nick the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put it into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less, and knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King shooed him away with no payment made.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's loincloth. The King immediately summoned Nick the Dragon

Slayer...

... MORAL OF THE STORY ?

Pay your bills.
 

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A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch private, 3-pound left testicle, 3-pound right testicle, Turner Brown." The white man faints and falls to the floor…

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?" In a weak voice, the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is “Turner Brown."
The small guy says, "Turner Brown?! Sweet Jesus, I thought you said 'Turn around…!"
 
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