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The Guys' Rules

At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down. Finally, the guys'
side of the story.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules
from
the male side. These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered
"1
ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it
down
We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you
leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that
way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what
we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact,
all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to
act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done.
Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials


1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for
example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea
what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say nothing,"
we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is! just
not
worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine ...
Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 

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ANSWERS WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR:

Q: WHAT ARE THE SMALL BUMPS AROUND A WOMAN'S NIPPLES FOR?
A: It's Braille for suck here.

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but only "down under."

Q: WHY ARE HURRICANES NORMALLY NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet. But when they go,
they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE
MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch
 

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An elementary teacher starts a new job at a
school in San Diego and
trying to make a good impression on her first
day, explains to her class that she's a Chargers fan.
She asks the class to raise their hands if they
too are Charger fans.

Everyone in the class raises their hand except
one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and
says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
Because I'm not a Chargers fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked,
asked: "Well, if you're not a Chargers fan, then
who do you support?"
"I'm a Bronco fan, and proud of it," Mary
replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Well
Mary, might you explain why are you a Bronco fan?"
"Because my mom and dad are from Colorado and my
mom is a Bronco fan and my dad is a Bronco fan, so
I'm a Bronco fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher, in an obviously annoyed tone, "that's no
reason
for you to be a Bronco fan. You don't have to be just like your parents
all of the time.
What if your mom was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and a
car thief, what would you be
then?"

Mary said, "I'd be a Raiders fan. "
 

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DEFINITIONS.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definition for each is listed below.

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being
assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are
you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling
of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass
and saying: "You're next."
 

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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a Blonde Guy were doing
construction Work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, Corned Beef and
Cabbage!
If I get Corned Beef and Cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going
to jump off this building.
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, Burritos again! If
I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too.
The blonde opened his lunch and said d, Bologna again! If I get a
Bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too.
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw Corned Beef

and Cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the Bologna, and jumped
to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, If
I'd known how really tired he was of Corned Beef and Cabbage, I
never would have given it to him again!
The Mexican's wife also wept and said, I could have given him
Tacos or Enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much.
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's
wife said, Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch.
 

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One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers that it's
his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the
salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on the display window?"
The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have:
Work out Barbie for $19.95
Shopping Barbie for $19.95
Beach Barbie for $19.95
Disco Barbie for $19.95
Divorced Barbie for $265.95
The amazed father asks:
"What?? Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.95 and the others only $19.95?"
The salesperson annoyingly answers :
"Sir..., "Divorced Barbie comes with:
Ken's Car,
Ken's House,
Ken's Boat,
Ken's Furniture,
Ken's Computer and...
One of Ken's Friends
 

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A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably deer hunting with his buddies."
 

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VICTORIA………..
After a long night of making love,

Tom notices a photo of another man On Victoria's bedside nightstand.

He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks.

No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend, then?" he continues.

"No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear.

"Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured.


"No, no, no!!!" she answers.

"Well, who in the hell is he?", he demands.

"That's me before the surgery."
 

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Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my
friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work
cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays,
hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions.

While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart,
I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone calls: While I agree with you that communication is
important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of
substance or necessity takes place after 2 a.m. Why would you make me call
those
ex-boyfriends/girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to
hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest
that I eat a taco with chili sauce, along with a big Italian meatball
and some stale chips (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit
Kat after a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries)? I'm an eclectic eater,
but I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to
do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue
home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black
& blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me.

Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front
door key
into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting
ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's
debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely
unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions
are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face
down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal &
in no way interfere with my daily activities.


Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like
to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of
great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion
when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In
order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my
grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer
no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions &
hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,


One of your many fans


P.S THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Innovative 2. Preliminary 3. Proliferation 4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity 2. British Constitution 3. Passive-aggressive disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex. 2. Nope, no more beer for
me. 3. Sorry, but you're not really my type. 4. Good evening, officer.
Isn't it lovely out tonight? 5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear Me sing
 

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Badass Biker Sideshow Bob wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces
himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and
pressed. Sideshow Bob looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: "Honey,
breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen, and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Sideshow Bob asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious, broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Sideshow Bob asks, "So, why is everything in order and so
clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married'!"
 

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A young man starts work at the local adult toy store. The owner says he has to go and tells the young man, if you can't find a price on something make one up.
A white chick comes in and asks "how much for the white dildo?" he says "10 bucks" and she takes it.
A black chick comes in and asks " how much for the black dildo?" he says "20 bucks" and she takes it.
A biker chick comes in and asks "how much for the plaid dildo?" he says "30 bucks" and she takes it.
The boss comes back and asks what happened while he was out and the young man replies, "I sold a white dildo to a white chick for $10, a black dildo to a black chick for $20 and a biker chick bought my thermos for $30.​
 

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A biker has been on the road for a weeks, without female companionship, and decides to get rid of the frustration.

At the next town, after finding out the location of the local bordello, he heads straight to it.

He kicks the door in, yelling "I want a woman, and I want one now!!"

The Madame recognizes his urgency, and ushers him into the main room where her best lady is.

The hooker is very impressed with what she sees as this big hunk starts stripping, exposing rippling muscles & tattoos, and eagerly waits to see the size of the love muscle.

Her shock could not be hidden, when the smallest Willy that she had ever seen was displayed. With contempt, she sneered at him, "and who the hell do you think you're gonna satisfy with that ?"

The biker just gave her a knowing smile, and replied.. "ME"
 

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A little old lady wanted to join a biker club. She knocked on the door of a local biker club and a big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers the door. She proclaims "I want to join your biker club." The guy was amused and told her that she needed to meet certain biker requirements before she was allowed to join. So the biker asks her "You have a bike?" The little old lady says "Yea, that's my Harley over there" and points to a Harley parked in the driveway. The biker asks her "Do you smoke?" The little old lady says "Yea, I smoke. I smoke 4 packs of cigarettes a day and a couple of cigars while I'm shooting pool." The biker is impressed and asks "Well, have you ever been picked up by the Fuzz?" The little old lady says "No, I've never been picked up by the fuzz, but I've been swung around by my nipples a few times."
 

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Dapper Dan had a sweet custom pan, that had of all things, an external leak. When ever it rained Dan would have to spread a thin layer of Vaseline on the valve covers to protect them from the rain, so he always carried a large jar of Vaseline in his coat.

As Dan picked up his ol lady to finally go for a dinner at her parents house, she explained the dinner rules. My folks are a little strange, but while we are eating dinner, please do not talk. My parents have been doing this for years and the one who talks first does the dishes.

Not a problem, he didn't want to do no f***ing dishes.

When they walked into the parents house he could see dishes everywhere, stacked in the kitchen, on the floor, on the counters, in the sink and the same in the front room.

After 5 minutes into dinner Dan started to get bored. He's sitting at the dinner table with his ol lady and her parents and no body was saying a word.

Dan thought, ****, the broad ain't worth all that, so with out saying a word he got up grabbed his ol lady jerked down her levis and f***ed her on the dinner table. Not a word was said.

As the mother brought out desert, Dan thought I'll make you assholes talk and grabbed the mother, hiked up her dress, bent her over the dinning room table and f***ed her. Again not a word was said.

As the mother was pulling her dress down, Dan noticed it had started to rain and ran for his jacket. He pulled out the large jar of Vaseline for his pan. Seeing this new move, the dad jumped up and said, "Alright damn it! I'll do the dishes!"
 

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The waitress was tired of this one biker always hitting on her, so she came up with a plan.
"I'll tell ya what, stud. I'll have sex with ya on two conditions. First, it'll cost ya 50 bucks. Second, you have to guarantee me that bells will ring and lights will flash."
He smiled, handed her $50 and led her over to the pinball machine.
 

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Dave works hard at the plant & spends most of his evenings riding his scoot with the boys. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday, she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them & says "Hey Dave, how ya doin?" His wife is puzzled & asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh No," says Dave. "He works at the plant."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable & says, "you must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser. "No honey, she works at the plant, too."
A stripper comes over to their table & throws her arms around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says. "Want your usual table dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse & storms out of the club.
Dave follows & spots her getting into a cab. Before she slams the door, he jumps in beside her & she starts screaming at him.
The cabby turns his head & says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."​
 

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Crash, the Biker, walks into a pharmacy & says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three biker babes coming over tonight. I've never had three biker babes at once, & I need something to keep me horny, keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer & takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label "Viagra Extra Strength" & says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go NUTS for 12 hours!"

The next day, Crash rides down to the same pharmacy, walks right up to the same pharmacist & pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices that Crash's Johnson is black & blue with the skin hanging off in some places.

Crash says, "Gimme a bottle of Ben Gay."

The pharmacist replies, "BEN GAY?! You're not going to put Ben Gay on
your dick while it's in that condition?"

Crash says, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."
 

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Two bikers walk into a roadhouse to wash the road dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking a beer and talking about the new model Harleys.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the bikers looks at her and says, "kin ya swaller?" The woman shakes her head, no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head.
The biker walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue from the back of her thigh up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the biker walks slowly back to the bar and takes a drink from his beer.
His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heard of that there "Hind Lick Maneuver," but 'til today, I ain't never seen nobody do it."
 

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"I was riding my Honda when I saw a sign by the road that said [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, 10 miles, get screwed for only $ 50.], I thought, nahh must be a joke.
A little further, there was another sign, [Sisters of St. Mary's Convent, next exit, follow signs & get screwed for only $50]. Well I thought I gotta check this out, so I took the exit & followed the signs. Pulling into the parking lot I saw only a couple of other bikes. I went up & knocked on the door, a nun actually answered.
I said, "um, I saw the signs by the road." "Oh" she smiled, "Come on in." So I did, then she said, "You want to go down that hall on the right & then knock on the second door", so I did, (knock).
A half dressed nun with the greatest body I've ever seen on a sister answered, & smiled, she said "I'm just getting finished so just put the $50 in the jar on the dresser & go through that door at the end of the room, & wait a sec" She winks, & points to the door, & then saunters out wigglin' one hell of a nice ass.
I put my money in the jar, & went out the door. To my surprise, I found myself back in the parking lot. I thought this must be a mistake, & turned back to the door. There was a sign that read, "YOU've just been screwed for $50 by the Sisters of St. Mary's, Sinner"​
 

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There were two flea friends that decided to go to Bike Week at Daytona. The first flea got there early and was lounging on the beach when the second flea got there. The second flea was sniffling, sneezing and really sick. The first flea asks him why he is so sick. The second flea says, "I caught a ride in a biker's mustache on the way here. It was freezing, sleeting and snowing." The first flea say, "Next year, do what I do. I go to a college dorm, crawl up the leg of a beautiful woman and catch a ride in her hair." So next year the first flea again arrives early. The second flea arrives later and he is sick again - this year even worse. The first flea asks, "Why didn't you try what I told you to do last year?" The second flea says, "I DID - I crawled up a beautiful woman's leg and was quietly waiting in her hair. The next thing I know, I was riding down the road in a biker's mustache again.
 
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