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There was this white missionary working in the jungles of Africa with a local tribe there.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief got pregnant and eventually gave birth. The Chief was utterly shocked when he found out that the baby was a white boy. He was really confused so he decided to pay a visit to the missionary.
"Father, my wife gave birth to a baby"
"Why, that's a very good news, Chief. Congrats"
"But Father, it is a white boy!?!?!?"
The missionary thinks for sometime and in a deep voice replies, "Well Chief, sometimes nature does work in some strange ways.... The other day I was taking a stroll along the mountain side and I saw this beautiful black sheep in a herd of white sheep.."
The Chief looked very surprised and was silent for a moment before he spoke, "Okay Father, here's the deal. You tell no one, and I'll tell no one."
 

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A young woman was pulled over for speeding.
As a Central Otago Cop walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the Central Otago Police Ball."
He replied, "Central Otago Police don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said.
He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
She was laughing too hard to start her car.
 

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A motorcycle cop on patrol watched as a man in a red Porsche slowed down at a stop sign, without coming to a complete stop, then sped off.
The motorcycle cop pulled the vehicle over and approached the man. "Sir, can I please see your license and registration."
The man replies, "Not until you tell me what the heck I did wrong, Officer."
The officer explain, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign a few blocks back."
"Let me guess," said the man, "all the donut shops are closed today!"
"Sir, I'm going to overlook that last comment. Now, if you would please show me your license and registration."
The man counters, "Not until you tell me the difference between slowing down and coming to a complete stop."
"Sir, step out of the car."
As the man reluctantly gets out of his car, the officer begins beating him over the head with his nightstick and exclaims, "Now, sir, would you like me to slow down or come to a complete stop!"
 

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Discussion Starter #84
Haynes Manuals... And the true meanings of their imparted wisdom....

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.. We warned you

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some mole-grips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: recovery Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.. Alternatively, clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
 

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Discussion Starter #85
A father passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed
was nicely made, and that everything was picked up and tidy.
Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed,

'Dad.'

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the
letter, with trembling hands.

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing to you. I had to
elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with
Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I
knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings',
tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much
older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really
hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with
the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and
ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so
Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know
your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Joshua.

P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in
life than the School report that's on the kitchen table.
 

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Discussion Starter #86
Brilliant - one to remember if you're shopping......

I have 2 dogs & I was buying a large bag of Winalot in Tesco and was standing in the queue at the till. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I was starting The Winalot Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.


I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat one or two everytime you feel hungry & that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.


I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a guy who was behind her.


Horrified, she asked if I'd ended up in the hospital in that condition because I had been poisoned.


I told her no, it was because I'd been sitting in the road licking my balls when a car hit me.


I thought one guy was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard as he staggered out the door.


Stupid c*w..........why else would I buy dog food??
 

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Discussion Starter #87
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

'So, how is everything going?' enquired God.

'It is all so beautiful, God,' she replied. 'The sunrises and sunsets are
breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain,' reported Eve.

And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more 'symmetrically balanced,' as she put it.

'That is a fair point,' replied God, ' But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.' And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.

'Well, Eve, how is my favourite creation?'

'Just fantastic,' she replied, ' But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.'

God thought for a moment and said, 'You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see............where did I put that useless tit?

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that cr*p about the rib?
 

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The Birds and the Bees

Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really sh*g each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:
 

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A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank **** for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
 

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A man walks into a bar, late one night completely knackered and dripping with sweat and orders 5 whiskies.
"What's wrong with you?" The barman says.
"In my car I've got a nymphomaniac - you couldn't satisfy her if you were there 'til Christmas," he replies.
"We'll see about that," says the barman and goes out to the car park.
He has been in the car with the woman for a while when there is a knock on the window and a policeman shines his torch in. The barman jumps up and winds down the window to talk to the policeman.
"It's all right officer, I'm just shagging the wife," he says.
"Oh, I'm sorry sir, I didn't know it was your wife" replies the cop.
The barman replies -"Neither did I 'til you shone your torch!"
 

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The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
 

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The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if
they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen
bring up the subject of sex.
"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen. "Pretty much the way
you do," responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners
for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian
go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny,
weeny member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.
"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.
"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replies, "It's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with
his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until
it's quite impressively long.
"Well," she says, "That's quite impressive, but it's still pretty
narrow...." "No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire
measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.
"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go
their separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful.
How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replies, All I got was a headache.
All she kept doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
 

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Discussion Starter #94
Oh good.. That was the idea of the thread.. People kept putting jokes in the off topic section and they got lost, so I thought it was better to have a joke thread so they could all be together.. like one big happy joke family :rotfl:
 

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Haynes Manuals... And the true meanings of their imparted wisdom....

Haynes: Rotate anti-clockwise
Translation: Clamp with mole grips then beat repeatedly with hammer anti-clockwise

Haynes: This is a snug fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: This is a tight fit
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with a hammer

Haynes: As described in Chapter 7
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start

Haynes: Pry
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into

Haynes: Undo
Translation: Go buy a tin of WD40 (giant economy size)

Haynes: Retain tiny spring
Translation: PINGGGG - "Where the hell did that go?"

Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers to dig
out the bayonet part (and maybe a plaster or two)

Haynes: Lightly
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Weekly checks
Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it

Haynes: Routine maintenance
Translation: If it isn't broken, it's about to be.. We warned you

Haynes: One spanner rating
Translation: An infant could do this so how did you manage to **** it up?

Haynes: Two-spanner rating
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, teensy weensy number but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you)

Haynes: Three-spanner rating
Translation: Make sure you won't need your bike for a couple of days

Haynes: Four-spanner rating
Translation: You're not seriously considering this are you?

Haynes: Five-spanner rating
Translation: OK - but don't ever carry your loved ones on it again

Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Haynes: Compress
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on it, throw it at the garage wall, then find some mole-grips and a hammer

Haynes: Inspect
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought it's going to need a new one"

Haynes: Carefully
Translation: You are about to suffer deep abrasions

Haynes: Retaining nuts
Translation: Yes that’s it, that big spherical blobs of rust

Haynes: Get an assistant
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know

Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs

Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal
Translation: Yeah, right But you swear in different places

Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs
Translation: Snap off

Haynes: Using a suitable drift
Translation: Clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: recovery Card & Mobile Phone

Haynes: Apply moderate heat
Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother.. Alternatively, clamp with mole-grips then beat repeatedly with hammer

Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book, bar what you need to do
Loopy, that's brilliant and worth rep:thumb:
 

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Lil' Johnny and his friend were at school and heard the word
"penis" while they were playing on the school yard. Johnny's
friend asked him if he knew what a penis was.
Lil' Johnny said he didn't know but would ask his dad when
he got home.
That evening, Johnny asked his dad, "Dad, what's a penis?"
His father said, "Son, I'll not only tell you, I'll show
you." So they went into the bathroom. Pop lowered his pants
and proudly announced, "Son, that's a penis. Not only is it
a penis, but it's a perfect penis!"
The next day at school, Lil' Johnny found his friend and
took him into the bathroom. Johnny lowered his pants and
said, "See that? That's a penis." He paused for a moment
and added, "Not only is it a penis, but if it were two
inches shorter, it'd be a perfect penis!"
 

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A Vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh
blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some
sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and
began hassling him about where he got it.
He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep but they
persisted until finally he gave in.
"OK, follow me," he said and flew out of the cave with
hundreds of bats behind him.
Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a
forest full of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other
bats excitedly milled around him.
"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.
"Good," said the first bat, "Because I f*cking didn't!"
 

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A MOTHER TOOK HER SMALL SON TO THE CITY FOR THE FIRST TIME. AFTER A DAY
OF SIGHTSEEING THEY ARRIVED AT THE STATION TO CATCH THE TRAIN BACK TO THE
BUSH.
"MUMMY". ASKED THE LITTLE BOY, "BIG HORSES HAVE LITTLE HORSES AND BIG COWS
HAVE LITTLE COWS, SO WHY DON'T BIG TRAINS HAVE LITTLE TRAINS?"
FACED WITH AN AWKWARD QUESTION, HIS MOTHER TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT.
"GO OVER AND ASK THAT MAN," SHE SAID AND POINTED TO THE INFORMATION BOOTH.
THE BOY TROTTED OVER AND REPEATED THE QUESTION.
"WHO TOLD YOU TO ASK ME THAT" ASKED THE INFO BLOKE.
"IT WAS MY MUM" HE REPLIED.
"RIGHT," SAID THE BLOKE, "YOU GO BACK AND TELL YOUR MOTHER IT'S 'COS BIG
TRAINS PULL OUT ON TIME."
 

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Discussion Starter #100
A blond decides to do something she’s never done before - rent a dirty movie. She drives to the local Video Warehouse and makes her way to the adult section in the back. After looking around at titles, she selects a something that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment there’s nothing but static on the screen. She calls the store to complain and says, “I just rented an adult movie from you and there’s nothing on the tape, but static.”

The clerk apologized about the defective video and asked, “Which title did you rent?” The blond replied, “It’s called ‘Head Cleaner.’”
 
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