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A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded,'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'



While the boy and his father were watching with amazement,



a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.


The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.


The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.





They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.



Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.






The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....


'Go get your Mother'






































I like to tell little kids that it takes people who lie to straight to hell, the look on their face is priceless when it returns empty.
 

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*Hot and Cold Sex... After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man:
"You
appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would
like to ask me about?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have
sex
with my wife, I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex
with
her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty." Later, after
examining
his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears To be fine. Do
you
have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" She
replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to
her:
"Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold
and
chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty
after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old fart," she
replied. "That's because the first time is usually in December and the
second time is in July.
 
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A class was given a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy the teacher called on walked up to the front of the class. He

picked up a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled, the teacher asked him what it was.

"It's a 'period'," he replied.

"I can see that," said the teacher, "but what is so exciting about a 'period'?"

"Darned if I know," said the boy,

"but yesterday my sister was missing one, Mom fainted, Dad had a heart attack

and the boy next door joined the Navy."
 

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They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Ian asked Karen out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Karen soon joined Ian for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Ian was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Karen was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '
 

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4 FACTS

These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.

A wise person once said:

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.


2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

4. I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
 

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They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.
After several weeks of meeting for coffee,
Ian asked Karen out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted.
They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.
Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink.
Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor,
Karen soon joined Ian for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.
As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared,
each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....
Ian was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'
Karen was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '
 

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An Aboriginal wedding occurred just outside Alice Springs in Australia .

To keep tradition going, everyone got drunk and the bride and groom's families had a storming row and started wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the crap out of each other, and the police were called in to break up the fight.

The following week, all members of both families appear in court

The fight continues in the court room until the Judge finally brings silence with the use of his hammer, shouting, "Silence in Court!"

The court room goes silent and Jackie, the best man, stands up and say's..

"Judge.... I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened."

The Judge agrees and asks Jackie to take the stand.

Jackie begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in an indigenous wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the Bride.

The Judge says," OK".

"Well," said Jackie, "after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song...when all of a sudden the groom leaped over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right in her crutch."

The Judge instantly responded, "That must have hurt!"

Jackie replies; "HURT!!... He broke three of my fingers!
 
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Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.


"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off." said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase, 'To be or not to be, that is the question'?" asked the teacher.


Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.

'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off."

'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard.' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

'Well okay,' said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"

Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!"

"Well done!" said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off"

"No thanka you miss I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too." said little Fri Sum Kat.

'Okay,' said the teacher. Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "F*cking Immigrants!"

"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Donald Trump!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday ............"
 

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The other day my neighbour, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy!
I didn't know why she was jumping for joy. I thought, what the heck, and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
Ann said, “Ross, I have some really great news!" I said, "Great. Tell me why you're so happy."
Ann stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant!
I knew that she had been trying for a while so I told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier for you!"
Then Ann said, "There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
Ann said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have twins
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew. Ann said...
(You're going to love this!)

“That was the easy part. I went to ALDI and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
 

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awesome. *shakes head*

need pics (or a vid) of that pregnant blonde jumping up an' down, please ;)
 

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LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH








A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'

She calls on little Ralphy .

He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'

Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:

One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'












LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH











Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

'Why?' asks the father?

'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.

'But that's right!' says his dad.

'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''

'What's the f*****g difference?' asks the father.

That's what I said!'

















LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH


Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'

RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'

Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'

Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'










LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER


Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'

Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own business.'



I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!
 
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant in Brisbane. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair,
under the table and under the table cloth but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man: "Pardon me, but I think your wife just slid under the table."

The man calmly looked up at her and said: "No, she didn't ..........she just walked in."
 

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Father asked his 10 year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me."
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
"Oh dad," the boy sobbed, "When I was 6 I got the 'There's no Santa' speech.
At 7, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech.
When I was 8, you hit me with the 'There's no tooth fairy' speech.
If you tell me that grown-ups don't really sh*g each other, I'll have nothing left to live for."
 

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A bit late but..

The milkman delivers the milk the day before Christmas and rings the bell of number 11, hoping for a festive tip. As the door opens, he sees a beautiful woman standing there wearing a see-through nightie.
She takes him by the hand and guides him upstairs where she makes mad passionate love to him. At the end of the session, they return downstairs where she cooks a delicious fried breakfast and hands him £1.
"I don't understand" says the puzzled milkman. "What's going on?"
She replies, "When I asked my husband whether I should give you a £5 tip, he replied, 'F*ck the milkman and give him £1.' The breakfast was my idea."
 
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