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'Women are like elephants. I like to watch them, but I wouldn't want to own one.'

'The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.'

'Ah the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.'

'A man's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.'

'Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven. '

'After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse. '

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink. I never had the courtesy to thank her. '

'I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally. '

'I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.'

'A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.'

'Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.'

'I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake--which I also keep handy.'

'I never vote for anyone; I always vote against.'

'Reminds me of my safari in Africa. Somebody forgot the corkscrew and for several days we had to live on nothing but food and water.'

'Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.'


Girl: The only game I ever played was beanbag.

WC: Beanbag? Ah, very good; it becomes very exciting at times. I saw the championship played in Paris. Many people were killed.
 
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